Inspirations Behind "Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me"

Hello again, everybody! I've been meaning to make this blog post for awhile, but I haven't gotten around to it. Now that I am taking a bit of focus away from my YouTube channel, I have a little more time to start posting on here. Anyway, last week was Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me's two year anniversary. That may not seem like a major feat, but that marks two years that I have been a published author and, for me, that is a big deal. So, I want to talk about the inspirations behind Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me in honor of this anniversary.

My Own Feelings

Around the time that I had gotten the idea for my first book, I was in a very dark place. I talked about this a lot over the years and it cannot be more true. I was depressed and I was angry at the world for how it left me stranded and alone for so long, that's where Simon came to be. I had written so many different scenarios with Simon inside of it, usually involving a form of fucked up suicide and in a much shorter format, like a short story. Simon was my fictional medium for two years before my first book was published. Anyway, I decided that depression and suicide are not an instant thing, it usually involves a number of things before we finally hit that point... long enough to feel like eternity, but short enough to hit us from our blind spot... that doesn't make any sense, but basically it's what made the story into a novella rather than a short story or a novel. More on that later, however.

Anyway, I knew I needed help, but I didn't have any money and I felt like a therapist would look at me and pin my feelings on teen angst or something stupid like that. I also am firmly against taking medication until all other options are retired and, at the time, it had seemed that all professionals were quick to push medication on you. So, I started giving a face to my emotions in the form of a book. Here's something that a lot of people I have talked to about this didn't get: everything in the book is a a symbol for all things depression is associated with. Below I've made a list about a few of the items in the story and their meanings.

• The abandoned hospital: Not only was this inspired by my first venture into an abandoned building, but it was also a symbol of one's mental health when suffering through depression and suicidal thoughts. Broken down and falling apart and, as the feelings get worse, more warped and confusing, like the hospital when Simon wakes up.
• The Eyeless: Eyes have always meant a gateway to the soul. Well what if they have no eyes? Then they have no soul. This plays a pretty vital role in the creatures of the story.
• The Faceless: Similar to the eyeless, but these are all disfigured and bent in horrible fashion to fit a certain way. Sound familiar?
• The Guy in the Hospital: I'll admit, I never came up with a cool name for him because he appeared out of nowhere when I started writing the story. Where the Eyeless and Faceless were all planned out, he was not. He was the one with the cut up body and the opera mask chasing after Simon. A mask of happiness to shroud the disfigured soul.
• Long Arms: The monster from the first nightmare was meant to reflect the terror of uncertainty in Simon's head, as uncertainty plays a very major role in sadness.
• St. Mary's Church: An abandoned hospital meant to symbolize the corruption of faith, whether that be in religion or in one's self.
• Patricia: Oddly enough, I wrote this character in before I met my wife. Then I met my wife and, yes, her name is also Patricia. Anyway, Patricia is the symbol of the corruption of love and of the heart.
• Doctor Weddell: The world that claims they care, but wouldn't spare a second to kill you if it meant securing themselves.
• The Angels: I got a lot of questions about the three angels in the church and that's understandable. They were there to further push the corruption of faith and love, but also they were more of a personal symbol for myself. In my life, before I met my wife, I was madly in love with three people who didn't love me back, I always saw them as my angel to save me from myself, but they were just another corrupted piece of the world, hence their disfigured appearance in the novel. The Angels were also too stubborn to die, a personal symbol from when I tried to stop loving these individuals and a fictional symbol for Simon's shred of hope that forces him to press on, to keep living. So what do you do when you shut out that last little bit of hope, like Simon did in the confessional?
• Simon: He's a symbol for a lot of things, but I think the most notable one would be the symbol of depression and the individual plagued by depression. As I mentioned earlier, he was also a fictional medium for me.

I can't give anymore away, because that would spoil the story. Hey, if you've got any questions about anything else, message me on my Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/KyleAtwoodPublications/

Video Games

Yes, yes, I know. Video games are nothing but a means to waste time. But, for me, they are a work of art.

There was one review on the book that noticed some of my inspirations for the story and pretty much hit the nail right on the head.

• Silent Hill Series: Without a doubt, the biggest video game inspiration for me when I was writing Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me. If you are familiar with this series, you'll certainly see the similarities. Nightmare worlds, twisted symbolism, and a constant feeling of dread. This is, by far, my favorite game of all time. To be more specific, Silent Hill 2 was the one I found myself referencing a lot of the time. Fun fact: the book's title is also the title of an iconic song from the third game.
• Outlast: The sheer chaos and morbid imagery of this game were a major source of inspiration for Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me
• Afraid of Monsters: Actually a mod for Half-Life, it still had an amazing story revolving around a dark, abandoned hospital and pills. I got inspiration for a lot of nightmares in the book from this game.

Silent Hill was the main well that kept me inspired. I guess, not only in video games, but also in movies and music. Silent Hill was just such a center piece in what I wanted my story to be. I wish I could explain in detail more about how much this game franchise inspired me, but I'll have to make a post or a video dedicated to it on its own.

Books

This is a bit cliche, and the master himself (Stephen King) even said you need to read books to write books and read I did. A lot of stories I read, however, were more focused on their gore and shock than on the actual story, unfortunately, but it helped me take notes to describe certain violent scenes in Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me and almost made me market the book as an extreme horror. But, I decided, what is extreme horror? Saw? No, because Saw has a fantastic story. Think more like a movie where people just constantly die in the bloodiest, uncomfortable way possible and a rather garbage story to get to the killing, that is extreme horror, and I like to have story on top of extreme imagery. Anyway, on with the list!

• Matt Shaw Books: I'll admit, I ate this guy's work up like Smarties. Eventually, however, you get sick to the stomach. Not because his content was extreme, I could handle that, but because he was kind of an asshole. Normally, when someone labels an author as a source of inspiration, that author would be honored, but Matt Shaw instead says, "You're all copying me and are fucking stupid for doing so". I don't know, for somebody who claims to help upcoming authors, he sure does a lot of breaking down. Honestly, for me to enjoy someone's work, I have to find something that I like about the individual so I can support them. But when they act like an ass and make you feel terrible for writing your own book, it makes me not want to support them. Anyway, if you can look past this, his stuff is extreme and good and pretty original, but him as a person turned me off from buying anymore of his books unless they are free. I've talked to him on occasion too, asking for advice and such, and I just felt like I was being talked down to.
• Tim Miller Books: Tim Miller literally writes horror movies in book form. I love it. Everything he does is a "Movie Type" book and that is no problem at all. He writes extreme horror, but he is amazing at creating uncomfortable scenes and good at creating protagonists that you can relate to... and then brutally murdering them. However, like any good horror movie, it has its problems at well. Tim Miller occasionally has some problems with consistency, but I can easily look past them because his books are just a fun ride. I've talked to him as well on occasion and he is an awesome guy too. Wouldn't mind having a beer with him. Anyway, his books gave me a reference for pacing in Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me and they still do with all of my current works.
• Clive Barker books: He makes horror in a beautiful way. He is my main source of inspiration for not only my first book, but also every book that follows. I already wrote about him in a previous blog post, read that if you want some more insight.
• Penetrailia by Jordan Krall: It just dawned on me that this is my first actual book on this list. Oh well. Anyway, Jordan Krall is a great writer, but his book Penetrailia was a major reference for imagery. Some really warped stuff that has significance to the characters.
• 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher: Yes, the book was better than the show... the show was still amazing. Anyway, this book was used as inspiration for both Simon and Patricia, doused with a little bit of personal experience to create the tension of the two.

Unfortunately, I was reading a lot of the same stuff while I was writing Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me. As a result, as mentioned earlier, I began to adopt a writing style of each of these authors blended into one. You would see an extreme scene one minute, and a heart breaking one the next. Of course, I threw my blend in there and produced my first book.

Music

There was this website called Grooveshark. It was a playlist website that had no ads and had almost every song imaginable. They got shutdown due to some rights issues, unfortunately. Anyway, I had a playlist dedicated to each portion of the book. Meaning there was a playlist for conflicts, resolutions, build ups, you name it, it was probably a playlist. There was a lot of individual songs so I'll just name some artists and albums to get us through the list.

• Ghosts I-IV - Nine Inch Nails: It's my favorite band. They've got a song for everything. Specifically though, the Ghosts I-IV album was the album with the most songs revolving around my first book. A lot of the music I listened to, in fact, was instrumental.
• Silent Hill Soundtracks: See Video Games list
• Marilyn Manson: Anger and poetry make for a pretty great combination. Manson has this way of making me feel powerful while I was powerless, and Simon had many moments in which he was very capable in situations that would, usually, render one powerless.
• Tormented - Staind: An album about hating life. What more can I say?
• The Downward Spiral - Nine Inch Nails: Another pretty self-explanatory one.
• Sinister Soundtrack: The movie was decent, but what really stood out to me and gave me the heebie-jeebies was the soundtrack. The song BBQ '79 is still one of the most haunting tunes I have ever heard. If I were to die and linger in purgatory, this is the song that would probably be playing for eternity. Really good for helping me set the mood of loneliness.
• Gazelle Twin: I have so much love for her and her talent. Her music is one of a kind and very ominously beautiful. She inspires a number of works for me.

Without a doubt, music could easily go hand and hand with my writing. I was always listening to music. I mean, I still do, but it isn't as much of an inspiration for me as it was for my first book.

Movies

Believe it or not, I didn't have too many movies to inspire me at this time. I didn't become a MASSIVE movie buff until last year. I mean, I was always a big movie fan, but now I watch movies like I listen to music.... all.... the.... time. Anyway, I was more focused on the ability of words than the ability of visuals (considering it was a book). Now, I can honestly say, movies are a very high contender for inspiration when writing my books.

• Eraserhead: I can't really explain this movie, but I can try. Henry Spencer (the main character) is a tamed version of Simon if Simon were an adult. He's unhappy with life and weird stuff starts happening to him. Easily, David Lynch is one of my most influential directors of all time and it is apparent with this film.
• Silent Hill: See Music list.
• Insidious: A movie where nowhere is safe, kind of like the city Simon lives in.

Conclusion

So, all in all, my two biggest forms of inspiration for my first book were my own feelings (cliche, I know) and video games (considering I've been an avid gamer since I was a kid). I know, I know, books should be one of my top two inspirations, considering I am an author and all, but around this time they just were not. I had almost no time to read, between writing, working, and figuring out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life as a career. I eventually had to move out of my mom's house too and that was chaos as well and also played a pretty vital role in why I had taken so long to release this book; but I found time to read where I could and, don't get me wrong, reading is easily one of my top three favorite forms of art and entertainment, but, again, at this time, I just didn't have the time.

I want to also post a video on YouTube about my first book, but I might just wait until it turns three next year and then make an even better video dedicated to its "legacy".

Happy birthday to my oldest child, Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me sorry it was late this year!

Stay rotten, everybody.

The Brook Horse Sneak Peek

Healing

They lay me down

In a field of daisies

And ask me to sleep.

They open my chest,

They pull out my heart,

My stomach, lungs, kidneys, and more

And hang them on a wire

To heal in the sun,

But the crows have come

And are eating away.

-2018-

Yes, The Brook Horse is indeed a poetry collection.

In the past, I have talked about writing poetry again and again. It is, after all, how I
started my journey.

There will be poems ranging from the year 2012, to current day.

The collection will range from free verse narratives to more traditional, emotion driven
poems.

Not only will this collection be another release, but also a look back at the evolution of
myself as a writer.

A Bit More Backstory

From the years 2010-2013 I wanted to be a musician. My passion started out driven by hard rock/metal groups such as Staind, Nine Inch Nails, Linkin Park, Metallica, Alice Cooper, etc. I eventually calmed down and became heavily inspired by Johnny Cash, Iron and Wine, and numerous other indie/acoustic groups. So you'll see a few of those songs that I have written strictly from the later years, in this collection as well. Ironically enough, the self-titled poem The Brook Horse, that will be in this collection, started out as a song that I tried to write two years ago (it turned into a poem, of course).

Anyway, anyone who has known me personally for the past six years knows that I was extremely passionate about my music. Well, I wasn't anymore. I had way too many major disappointments and music became a punishment to myself, wasting time on building so many things only to break them down moments later. Music also ruined many relationships for me and even began to twist my mind, a narcissistic twisting motion that inflated my ego and kept me from pursuing my future. As I said, music became a punishment.

That's when I wrote my first poem and then another, and another, then... many... MANY poems later, I wrote my first short story, then another, and then I wrote my first book, Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me.

Don't get me wrong, I still absolutely love music it is one of my most favorite forms of art, but as a musician, I was just in a bad place.

The First Poem I Wrote

The first poem I ever wrote has been lost to time, unfortunately, but the earliest poem I do still have was not at all a full length poem. It was a tanka and, for those of you who don't know, a tanka is an ancient Japanese style of poetry that consists of five lines in a syllable pattern of 5-7-5-7-7. It is basically a longer version of a haiku (three lines in 5-7-5). This is still my favorite form of poetry, I have a thing with short and sweet and both tanka and haiku provide me with such a thing and I always feel extremely relieved and satisfied when finishing one of these poems. In fact, you'll see quite a bit of those in The Brook Horse. Anyway, I'm feeling gracious today and I'll give you guys another sneak peek at one of the tankas that will be in the collection. Again, this is the oldest poem I have written that I have managed to keep for six years.

This Curse

This anathema,

Pertinacious to ruin

The vestige of me.

I am not venerable,

I am obstreperous here.

-2012-

I'll admit, while I was writing this, I had this study packet for a Nathaniel Hawthorne book we were reading called The House of the Seven Gables and, as per usual with books from the 1800's, there was some words that sounded pretty but I had no idea what they meant. So I wanted to make a poem with the old way of speaking, I was blending antique English language with ancient Japanese style in hopes of making the poem sound more profound. It worked and it sparked my first dozen fans and I figured, "Hey, I'm pretty good at this and it made me feel good! I should start doing this more!".

Another confession, I had forgotten what most of these words meant and I had to Google them again to make sure this poem made enough sense, to not only publish, but also share on my blog.

Another quick note: I just love how the physical appearance of the poem presents itself when finished. Dumb, fun fact.

My Goal for the Collection

My goal is to have over 140 poems inside of this collection, some new and freshly written, others from the vault known as my memory box (and believe me, I have written more than 200 poems in my life, just never published them). Hell, as I write this blog post I'm even considering changing the name of the collection, but as of right now, I think The Brook Horse is a very fitting name, and that will become apparent as we grow closer to its release, and crystal clear when it is released. I'm also using this release as a way to, basically, re-brand and experiment with other mediums to pair alongside the release, more towards my YouTube channel.

As a bonus, I'll share one of my songs I wrote in 2010 (no it is not going into the collection, it's horrible).

Sadness the Addiction

Sadness is a sick addiction 

and loneliness is the needle 

I choose to stick into my veins.

Yeah,

Fill me up

Off we go

Time to die

Never was so bold.

Sadness the addiction

A dumbass little bitch

Sadness the addiction

I hope it'll make me rich.

Collapse my veins,

Collapse my heart,

And collapse my life.

Yeah,

Fill me up

Off we go

Time to die

Never was so bold

Sadness the addiction

A dumbass little bitch

Sadness the addiction

I hope it'll make me rich.

Conclusion

So I hope you guys enjoyed the poems and be on the lookout for more news regarding The Brook Horse. I am aiming to release the collection in two months, but that is not set in stone. AT THE VERY LATEST it will be four months from now. More on that later.

So, take care guys, and, as always, stay rotten, everybody.

My Grim New Teaser!

I am happy to announce my upcoming release The Brook Horse. While this project is worked around and as we grow closer to its release, I will be releasing more teasers.

It took four hours to shoot this extremely short teaser and, man, was it messy. I spent at least two of those hours just cleaning up after myself. Luckily, fake blood is easy to clean up.

Anyway, give it a watch guys! I'll have more info on this as we get closer to its release, just know that I am cooking up something special for you guys.