Poetry Collection Sneak Peek #2

Hello all.

It's me again.

Sorry.

It's been a long time.

I've been incredibly busy the past few weeks, between prepping for the poetry collection's release, starting a little side business, and, most of all, working two jobs, I have had hardly any time to post anything on Discharge of a Rotting Mind. But, one of my jobs fired me because I had a second job and I have a bit of free time. So, I'm here now and with the poetry collection coming tomorrow or Thursday, I thought it would be a good idea to share another poem from that collection with you guys.

Nothing Makes Sense Anymore

The dawn’s arrived

Yet there is no light.

I hold my breath, waiting to die

Yet I just sleep

And when I awake

No one’s there to answer me.

I'll come around soon,

I think.

Colors fade to black,

Spilling out over the lines

That I’m suppose to fill in;

Lost and washed away.

I have two legs

But I have nothing to stand on.

My dreams are made of painted walls

Melting and mixing and turning black.

I'm watching

The world growing around me,

Yet I can't even sprout a leaf.

Maybe the dirt’s pulling me back down.

Outsides becoming insides,

Right becoming left.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

-2017-

That's all, guys.

I'm gonna leave you with one question and forgive me if it's a little cryptic.

Do you know maggots are used to treat wounded horses?

Stay rotten, everybody.

Frustrations and Other Thoughts

Hello all.

Me again.

I find myself complaining a lot lately, more commonly about the lack of time and the fact that there are only so many hours in the day. For instance, today is my day off and I have to get some writing done, clean my apartment, go to the bank, and record a video, all before my wife comes home (family always comes before work and we haven't spent much time together lately). So, I think today's blog post is going to have to be a brief one, on the count of having so much to do.

But, before we get into the post, Born Again is still free on Kindle until tomorrow night! So hurry up and get it downloaded before it goes back up to its full price! https://www.amazon.com/Born-Again-Kyle-Atwood-ebook/dp/B0719RNDMX/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1521484301&sr=8-2&keywords=kyle+atwood

Anyway, on with the rest of the post.

I already mentioned that time and I have not been getting along lately. It just seems that whenever I think I have time to catch up, I have to do something, whether it be going to work or going to the doctors or whatever have you, and that's fine, that's just how life is. What is not fine, is the fact that it still bothers me, despite me saying, "that's just how life is" and it sucks. Often times, while I'm at work, I'll keep repeating to myself that, "I'd rather be writing" and that is very true. The funny thing is, though, is that when I finally sit down to write, I get a great big case of writer's block and I end up sitting there for hours writing no more than a hundred or so words. That's life though.

My next frustration is marketing (it's only the eightieth time I've complained about it). Ironically enough, I've sold more books for Born Again last week when it was full priced, than I have when it has been free. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I wish the problem could be highlighted in blood red for me.

Frustration numero tres: I just feel like, the moment I start getting excited about something, be that YouTube or the articles I have been writing lately, I get no results from the work I put into them. Like, I don't want to record a video today because I know it will get no views and I'll probably even lose a subscriber, if I haven't already (and a subscriber for a channel with only twenty-four of them is like losing a thousand subscribers over night, it's bothersome). My articles generated more readers when I was writing them every couple of months, now I'm writing them every week or so, dedicate three days to writing each one and I wind up getting no more than ten views, I just feel wronged somehow. I'm insecure and all, boohoo, pity me and buy a book, eh? Just kidding, but I am insecure.

Frustration 4: I really want to own my domain name of my website and update it immensely, but I don't have enough money to do so. Day job doesn't pay me enough and I'm not generating nearly enough income from my books to afford that.

However, despite everything else moving like a slug, my blog has been generating more readers and that is FREAKING AWESOME! I went from having one or two people reading my posts, to ten, twenty, or thirty reading them and it makes me VERY HAPPY! Thank you guys.

Another fantastic side note is that my Twitter account has BLOWN up in the past month, surpassing my Facebook follower count (214 people) by hitting 220 followers, granted, about ten of them are probably lusty sex bots, but until they are banned from Twitter, I'M COUNTIN' 'EM!

You know, despite my frustrations, I'm actually rather happy. Don't know if I'm exactly optimistic about the future of my work, but at this exact moment, I feel excited for what I will be releasing starting with my poetry collection being released in a little under a month from now.

Anyway, be sure to download Born Again . It's free. What have you got to lose? Plus, it'll make me feel all warm and toasty inside.

Check out my latest article at:
https://hubpages.com/entertainment/The-Golden-Age-of-Slasher-Films

So, that's all for today's post, guys, I've gotta get started on cleaning (my apartment is a complete disaster and no that is not an over exaggeration, it is complete fact).

Stay rotten, everybody.

Inspirations Behind "Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me"

Hello again, everybody! I've been meaning to make this blog post for awhile, but I haven't gotten around to it. Now that I am taking a bit of focus away from my YouTube channel, I have a little more time to start posting on here. Anyway, last week was Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me's two year anniversary. That may not seem like a major feat, but that marks two years that I have been a published author and, for me, that is a big deal. So, I want to talk about the inspirations behind Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me in honor of this anniversary.

My Own Feelings

Around the time that I had gotten the idea for my first book, I was in a very dark place. I talked about this a lot over the years and it cannot be more true. I was depressed and I was angry at the world for how it left me stranded and alone for so long, that's where Simon came to be. I had written so many different scenarios with Simon inside of it, usually involving a form of fucked up suicide and in a much shorter format, like a short story. Simon was my fictional medium for two years before my first book was published. Anyway, I decided that depression and suicide are not an instant thing, it usually involves a number of things before we finally hit that point... long enough to feel like eternity, but short enough to hit us from our blind spot... that doesn't make any sense, but basically it's what made the story into a novella rather than a short story or a novel. More on that later, however.

Anyway, I knew I needed help, but I didn't have any money and I felt like a therapist would look at me and pin my feelings on teen angst or something stupid like that. I also am firmly against taking medication until all other options are retired and, at the time, it had seemed that all professionals were quick to push medication on you. So, I started giving a face to my emotions in the form of a book. Here's something that a lot of people I have talked to about this didn't get: everything in the book is a a symbol for all things depression is associated with. Below I've made a list about a few of the items in the story and their meanings.

• The abandoned hospital: Not only was this inspired by my first venture into an abandoned building, but it was also a symbol of one's mental health when suffering through depression and suicidal thoughts. Broken down and falling apart and, as the feelings get worse, more warped and confusing, like the hospital when Simon wakes up.
• The Eyeless: Eyes have always meant a gateway to the soul. Well what if they have no eyes? Then they have no soul. This plays a pretty vital role in the creatures of the story.
• The Faceless: Similar to the eyeless, but these are all disfigured and bent in horrible fashion to fit a certain way. Sound familiar?
• The Guy in the Hospital: I'll admit, I never came up with a cool name for him because he appeared out of nowhere when I started writing the story. Where the Eyeless and Faceless were all planned out, he was not. He was the one with the cut up body and the opera mask chasing after Simon. A mask of happiness to shroud the disfigured soul.
• Long Arms: The monster from the first nightmare was meant to reflect the terror of uncertainty in Simon's head, as uncertainty plays a very major role in sadness.
• St. Mary's Church: An abandoned hospital meant to symbolize the corruption of faith, whether that be in religion or in one's self.
• Patricia: Oddly enough, I wrote this character in before I met my wife. Then I met my wife and, yes, her name is also Patricia. Anyway, Patricia is the symbol of the corruption of love and of the heart.
• Doctor Weddell: The world that claims they care, but wouldn't spare a second to kill you if it meant securing themselves.
• The Angels: I got a lot of questions about the three angels in the church and that's understandable. They were there to further push the corruption of faith and love, but also they were more of a personal symbol for myself. In my life, before I met my wife, I was madly in love with three people who didn't love me back, I always saw them as my angel to save me from myself, but they were just another corrupted piece of the world, hence their disfigured appearance in the novel. The Angels were also too stubborn to die, a personal symbol from when I tried to stop loving these individuals and a fictional symbol for Simon's shred of hope that forces him to press on, to keep living. So what do you do when you shut out that last little bit of hope, like Simon did in the confessional?
• Simon: He's a symbol for a lot of things, but I think the most notable one would be the symbol of depression and the individual plagued by depression. As I mentioned earlier, he was also a fictional medium for me.

I can't give anymore away, because that would spoil the story. Hey, if you've got any questions about anything else, message me on my Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/KyleAtwoodPublications/

Video Games

Yes, yes, I know. Video games are nothing but a means to waste time. But, for me, they are a work of art.

There was one review on the book that noticed some of my inspirations for the story and pretty much hit the nail right on the head.

• Silent Hill Series: Without a doubt, the biggest video game inspiration for me when I was writing Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me. If you are familiar with this series, you'll certainly see the similarities. Nightmare worlds, twisted symbolism, and a constant feeling of dread. This is, by far, my favorite game of all time. To be more specific, Silent Hill 2 was the one I found myself referencing a lot of the time. Fun fact: the book's title is also the title of an iconic song from the third game.
• Outlast: The sheer chaos and morbid imagery of this game were a major source of inspiration for Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me
• Afraid of Monsters: Actually a mod for Half-Life, it still had an amazing story revolving around a dark, abandoned hospital and pills. I got inspiration for a lot of nightmares in the book from this game.

Silent Hill was the main well that kept me inspired. I guess, not only in video games, but also in movies and music. Silent Hill was just such a center piece in what I wanted my story to be. I wish I could explain in detail more about how much this game franchise inspired me, but I'll have to make a post or a video dedicated to it on its own.

Books

This is a bit cliche, and the master himself (Stephen King) even said you need to read books to write books and read I did. A lot of stories I read, however, were more focused on their gore and shock than on the actual story, unfortunately, but it helped me take notes to describe certain violent scenes in Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me and almost made me market the book as an extreme horror. But, I decided, what is extreme horror? Saw? No, because Saw has a fantastic story. Think more like a movie where people just constantly die in the bloodiest, uncomfortable way possible and a rather garbage story to get to the killing, that is extreme horror, and I like to have story on top of extreme imagery. Anyway, on with the list!

• Matt Shaw Books: I'll admit, I ate this guy's work up like Smarties. Eventually, however, you get sick to the stomach. Not because his content was extreme, I could handle that, but because he was kind of an asshole. Normally, when someone labels an author as a source of inspiration, that author would be honored, but Matt Shaw instead says, "You're all copying me and are fucking stupid for doing so". I don't know, for somebody who claims to help upcoming authors, he sure does a lot of breaking down. Honestly, for me to enjoy someone's work, I have to find something that I like about the individual so I can support them. But when they act like an ass and make you feel terrible for writing your own book, it makes me not want to support them. Anyway, if you can look past this, his stuff is extreme and good and pretty original, but him as a person turned me off from buying anymore of his books unless they are free. I've talked to him on occasion too, asking for advice and such, and I just felt like I was being talked down to.
• Tim Miller Books: Tim Miller literally writes horror movies in book form. I love it. Everything he does is a "Movie Type" book and that is no problem at all. He writes extreme horror, but he is amazing at creating uncomfortable scenes and good at creating protagonists that you can relate to... and then brutally murdering them. However, like any good horror movie, it has its problems at well. Tim Miller occasionally has some problems with consistency, but I can easily look past them because his books are just a fun ride. I've talked to him as well on occasion and he is an awesome guy too. Wouldn't mind having a beer with him. Anyway, his books gave me a reference for pacing in Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me and they still do with all of my current works.
• Clive Barker books: He makes horror in a beautiful way. He is my main source of inspiration for not only my first book, but also every book that follows. I already wrote about him in a previous blog post, read that if you want some more insight.
• Penetrailia by Jordan Krall: It just dawned on me that this is my first actual book on this list. Oh well. Anyway, Jordan Krall is a great writer, but his book Penetrailia was a major reference for imagery. Some really warped stuff that has significance to the characters.
• 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher: Yes, the book was better than the show... the show was still amazing. Anyway, this book was used as inspiration for both Simon and Patricia, doused with a little bit of personal experience to create the tension of the two.

Unfortunately, I was reading a lot of the same stuff while I was writing Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me. As a result, as mentioned earlier, I began to adopt a writing style of each of these authors blended into one. You would see an extreme scene one minute, and a heart breaking one the next. Of course, I threw my blend in there and produced my first book.

Music

There was this website called Grooveshark. It was a playlist website that had no ads and had almost every song imaginable. They got shutdown due to some rights issues, unfortunately. Anyway, I had a playlist dedicated to each portion of the book. Meaning there was a playlist for conflicts, resolutions, build ups, you name it, it was probably a playlist. There was a lot of individual songs so I'll just name some artists and albums to get us through the list.

• Ghosts I-IV - Nine Inch Nails: It's my favorite band. They've got a song for everything. Specifically though, the Ghosts I-IV album was the album with the most songs revolving around my first book. A lot of the music I listened to, in fact, was instrumental.
• Silent Hill Soundtracks: See Video Games list
• Marilyn Manson: Anger and poetry make for a pretty great combination. Manson has this way of making me feel powerful while I was powerless, and Simon had many moments in which he was very capable in situations that would, usually, render one powerless.
• Tormented - Staind: An album about hating life. What more can I say?
• The Downward Spiral - Nine Inch Nails: Another pretty self-explanatory one.
• Sinister Soundtrack: The movie was decent, but what really stood out to me and gave me the heebie-jeebies was the soundtrack. The song BBQ '79 is still one of the most haunting tunes I have ever heard. If I were to die and linger in purgatory, this is the song that would probably be playing for eternity. Really good for helping me set the mood of loneliness.
• Gazelle Twin: I have so much love for her and her talent. Her music is one of a kind and very ominously beautiful. She inspires a number of works for me.

Without a doubt, music could easily go hand and hand with my writing. I was always listening to music. I mean, I still do, but it isn't as much of an inspiration for me as it was for my first book.

Movies

Believe it or not, I didn't have too many movies to inspire me at this time. I didn't become a MASSIVE movie buff until last year. I mean, I was always a big movie fan, but now I watch movies like I listen to music.... all.... the.... time. Anyway, I was more focused on the ability of words than the ability of visuals (considering it was a book). Now, I can honestly say, movies are a very high contender for inspiration when writing my books.

• Eraserhead: I can't really explain this movie, but I can try. Henry Spencer (the main character) is a tamed version of Simon if Simon were an adult. He's unhappy with life and weird stuff starts happening to him. Easily, David Lynch is one of my most influential directors of all time and it is apparent with this film.
• Silent Hill: See Music list.
• Insidious: A movie where nowhere is safe, kind of like the city Simon lives in.

Conclusion

So, all in all, my two biggest forms of inspiration for my first book were my own feelings (cliche, I know) and video games (considering I've been an avid gamer since I was a kid). I know, I know, books should be one of my top two inspirations, considering I am an author and all, but around this time they just were not. I had almost no time to read, between writing, working, and figuring out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life as a career. I eventually had to move out of my mom's house too and that was chaos as well and also played a pretty vital role in why I had taken so long to release this book; but I found time to read where I could and, don't get me wrong, reading is easily one of my top three favorite forms of art and entertainment, but, again, at this time, I just didn't have the time.

I want to also post a video on YouTube about my first book, but I might just wait until it turns three next year and then make an even better video dedicated to its "legacy".

Happy birthday to my oldest child, Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me sorry it was late this year!

Stay rotten, everybody.

The Brook Horse Sneak Peek

Healing

They lay me down

In a field of daisies

And ask me to sleep.

They open my chest,

They pull out my heart,

My stomach, lungs, kidneys, and more

And hang them on a wire

To heal in the sun,

But the crows have come

And are eating away.

-2018-

Yes, The Brook Horse is indeed a poetry collection.

In the past, I have talked about writing poetry again and again. It is, after all, how I
started my journey.

There will be poems ranging from the year 2012, to current day.

The collection will range from free verse narratives to more traditional, emotion driven
poems.

Not only will this collection be another release, but also a look back at the evolution of
myself as a writer.

A Bit More Backstory

From the years 2010-2013 I wanted to be a musician. My passion started out driven by hard rock/metal groups such as Staind, Nine Inch Nails, Linkin Park, Metallica, Alice Cooper, etc. I eventually calmed down and became heavily inspired by Johnny Cash, Iron and Wine, and numerous other indie/acoustic groups. So you'll see a few of those songs that I have written strictly from the later years, in this collection as well. Ironically enough, the self-titled poem The Brook Horse, that will be in this collection, started out as a song that I tried to write two years ago (it turned into a poem, of course).

Anyway, anyone who has known me personally for the past six years knows that I was extremely passionate about my music. Well, I wasn't anymore. I had way too many major disappointments and music became a punishment to myself, wasting time on building so many things only to break them down moments later. Music also ruined many relationships for me and even began to twist my mind, a narcissistic twisting motion that inflated my ego and kept me from pursuing my future. As I said, music became a punishment.

That's when I wrote my first poem and then another, and another, then... many... MANY poems later, I wrote my first short story, then another, and then I wrote my first book, Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me.

Don't get me wrong, I still absolutely love music it is one of my most favorite forms of art, but as a musician, I was just in a bad place.

The First Poem I Wrote

The first poem I ever wrote has been lost to time, unfortunately, but the earliest poem I do still have was not at all a full length poem. It was a tanka and, for those of you who don't know, a tanka is an ancient Japanese style of poetry that consists of five lines in a syllable pattern of 5-7-5-7-7. It is basically a longer version of a haiku (three lines in 5-7-5). This is still my favorite form of poetry, I have a thing with short and sweet and both tanka and haiku provide me with such a thing and I always feel extremely relieved and satisfied when finishing one of these poems. In fact, you'll see quite a bit of those in The Brook Horse. Anyway, I'm feeling gracious today and I'll give you guys another sneak peek at one of the tankas that will be in the collection. Again, this is the oldest poem I have written that I have managed to keep for six years.

This Curse

This anathema,

Pertinacious to ruin

The vestige of me.

I am not venerable,

I am obstreperous here.

-2012-

I'll admit, while I was writing this, I had this study packet for a Nathaniel Hawthorne book we were reading called The House of the Seven Gables and, as per usual with books from the 1800's, there was some words that sounded pretty but I had no idea what they meant. So I wanted to make a poem with the old way of speaking, I was blending antique English language with ancient Japanese style in hopes of making the poem sound more profound. It worked and it sparked my first dozen fans and I figured, "Hey, I'm pretty good at this and it made me feel good! I should start doing this more!".

Another confession, I had forgotten what most of these words meant and I had to Google them again to make sure this poem made enough sense, to not only publish, but also share on my blog.

Another quick note: I just love how the physical appearance of the poem presents itself when finished. Dumb, fun fact.

My Goal for the Collection

My goal is to have over 140 poems inside of this collection, some new and freshly written, others from the vault known as my memory box (and believe me, I have written more than 200 poems in my life, just never published them). Hell, as I write this blog post I'm even considering changing the name of the collection, but as of right now, I think The Brook Horse is a very fitting name, and that will become apparent as we grow closer to its release, and crystal clear when it is released. I'm also using this release as a way to, basically, re-brand and experiment with other mediums to pair alongside the release, more towards my YouTube channel.

As a bonus, I'll share one of my songs I wrote in 2010 (no it is not going into the collection, it's horrible).

Sadness the Addiction

Sadness is a sick addiction 

and loneliness is the needle 

I choose to stick into my veins.

Yeah,

Fill me up

Off we go

Time to die

Never was so bold.

Sadness the addiction

A dumbass little bitch

Sadness the addiction

I hope it'll make me rich.

Collapse my veins,

Collapse my heart,

And collapse my life.

Yeah,

Fill me up

Off we go

Time to die

Never was so bold

Sadness the addiction

A dumbass little bitch

Sadness the addiction

I hope it'll make me rich.

Conclusion

So I hope you guys enjoyed the poems and be on the lookout for more news regarding The Brook Horse. I am aiming to release the collection in two months, but that is not set in stone. AT THE VERY LATEST it will be four months from now. More on that later.

So, take care guys, and, as always, stay rotten, everybody.

My Grim New Teaser!

I am happy to announce my upcoming release The Brook Horse. While this project is worked around and as we grow closer to its release, I will be releasing more teasers.

It took four hours to shoot this extremely short teaser and, man, was it messy. I spent at least two of those hours just cleaning up after myself. Luckily, fake blood is easy to clean up.

Anyway, give it a watch guys! I'll have more info on this as we get closer to its release, just know that I am cooking up something special for you guys.

I Am Worried About the Future of Blogger

While researching different platforms to start my blog on, in the early years of my writing, I found Blogger. Now, two years later, as I decide whether or not to revive the blog on a new platform, I do some more research for a FREE platform. Every single one, of course, always says something along the lines of "Be wary, Google could shut it down any chance they get."

Naturally, this puts me in a worried state. Which is why I hadn't posted on this blog for some time. I didn't want to put work into something that would simply vanish without a moment's notice, but, guess what? I've stopped caring. I've archived the stories I have on here (not going to bother with most of the regular blog posts as they are usually pointless) so I'm not worried about those, and I will continue archiving any further stories just in case this very same thing happens. I just hope Google doesn't decide to betray me, because that would mean I would have to find a site that would work well with my website and that, in of itself, is a trick.

I guess we'll just have to see what the future holds then.

That's all, everyone.

My Writing Process

Alright, I'll admit it, I got this idea from another article on Google. But I thought it was a good idea because I think it's an interesting insight into my life. I'm narcissistic like that. Anyway, let's get on with it shall we?

Now, an ideal writing situation for me is when I am off of work early or just completely and my wife is at work, so that way I can focus solely on my writing.

Before

Before I sit down at my desk and begin punching my way through, seemingly, endless waves of paragraphs, I get a stack of movies or music (or click the fitting playlist on my media player) and clear off my work space. To be honest, lately, it's been movies that help keep me focused, they keep me involved with the setting of my book and give me a visual stimulant when I need to look away for a moment. So I'll pop the disc into some device and wait for the sounds to come, I then grab two water bottles (or pop if I'm feeling naughty), grab a small healthy, filling snack, and then I sit down.

During

Alright, I open Google docs and begin typing away. I use to use OpenOffice before, and Microsoft Word before that, but Word was too expensive and OpenOffice was too basic, Docs was just right for me. However, I do still use OpenOffice for formatting my books for Amazon because Docs doesn't do anything like that, from what I understand.

I use to write out a kind of road map for my novels, but I decided to quit doing that. It's more exciting for me when I let my characters take ME for the ride instead of me taking them. In fact, a lot of my favorite moments in my previous books were from unscripted events that I stuck into my stories. I mean, I know what I want to happen to the characters, I just don't know how it will happen. For instance, I want my main character Jimmy Bob to die, but how and why is the real meat and I love leaving that up to chance. This also makes the story seem more real to me, and I hope it does the same for my readers. Unfortunately, however, this method does involve a MASSIVE amount of doctoring before I send it off to my editor; often times, I lose patience and decide to pay my editor a doubled price to get a more in depth edit.

Another thing that I do is I'll give myself a set word goal before I go on my "lunch break", I also have a set word goal for the entire day and if I go way over that, I reward myself with a brownie or something. It's childish, and a little weird, but it works for me and I'm happy to do it, it also helps me organize better in my daily life.

I do also try to find time to record a video or two for my YouTube channel.

I usually take my break at the halfway point for my word goal or when my second movie, or third CD is finished.

I do not finish until either A: the stack of movies or CD's  has run out or B: I finish the story. Unfortunately, I can't keep working through a playlist, because each of my playlists are about sixteen hours long at least, and I have a life outside of work to keep up with, such as a day job and a wife.

The Lunch Break

I'll make myself something and either watch YouTube, Hulu, Netflix, do some research, or look up tips on how to improve my marketing strategy or my writing.

After

After I finish writing for the day, I save everything like three times, close out the windows and switch my computer off. I leave my office, sit on the couch and start up a video game. If my wife is home, I either eat dinner or start dinner, ask her if she wants to go out to see a movie, spend some time with her, or, if she wants to go to bed early, I'll go back to playing my video games, or even I'll sneak in some more writing before I go to sleep.

So this is, usually, how my day's off from the day job look. Yes, it is exhausting, and yes, it does bother me to see how little results I am getting for putting in this much effort. But my motto for 2018, is, in fact, "Keep your chin up. It could always be worse."

I hope this post gave you guys a little more insight about my writing life, and I hope it was somewhat interesting to you. I appreciate you reading the post.

Tell your friends and stay rotten, everybody!

Time to Revive My Blog

Yep, we'll see how long this lasts.

I plan to update this blog at least twice a week from now on, in hopes of drawing in more audiences and so on. This blog will no longer be strictly flash-fiction. Instead, it will be what a blog is suppose to be... informational, creative, and fun. I realize that I am going onto my second year with this and I had put some really high expectations into my writing (not just my blog). I was young, I was dumb and, well, those two don't combine for a good professional combination.

Sure, I'll probably crash and burn but that's alright, I can now document it and see where I went so horribly wrong.

So, with the future of this blog, you can expect

• Top 10's
• How-To's
• Flash Fiction
• Sneak Peeks
• General updates
• Recommendations
• Or anything else I can come up with.

Also, regarding the future of my writing:

• I will update my website in the near future
• I am going to start releasing short-stories independantly
• I am going to be taking my time
• I am going to start networking and branching out for collaborations and so forth

All this among other things that I am sure I am forgetting to post. 2017 was perhaps the worst year of my life, and I was very close to calling it quits on everything. But I feel 2018 will be a more beneficial year for me and my work. With this blog, I also hope to improve my ability as a writer as well. I also have become more active on my YouTube channel and I will be updating more regularly on there. There will be reviews, vlogs, recommendations and so on. 

I'm starting 2018 off strong, I can only hope that it will continue through the whole year.

Thanks for sticking around.

Stay rotten, everybody.

A Warm Place

A lifetime of fucking so many things up,
A lifetime living in this filthy fucking flesh.
A new story will be told, and every problem has a solution,
This is mine-

Click

You wouldn't believe how simple it really was,
I just put the gun in my mouth
Tasted the metallic residue on the tip of the barrel,
Closed my eyes, bit my teeth, pulled the trigger-

Bang.


All my insecurities came spilling out
In the darkest shade
A crimson, clumpy puddle
Of all that I ever was.

Mmm finally,
A warm  place.
Somewhere far away
From all of you.

I Want to Quit

Introduction

I'm not really sure if this will be a good post or not (grammatically and quality wise), but frankly, I don't care, I have a few things to get off of my chest and some writing that needs done. No, the website I am using for this post does not support any fancier looking formats and I can't afford a thirty dollar/month blog program for writing something that nobody will read.

It is now 12:30 a.m. as I am writing this post, and if you're reading this, welcome, if not, well, no surprise there. I can't seem to get people to read my work even if it's free, perhaps I'm cursed (being a bastard and all).

As you probably notice from my past blog posts, I had a few free write/flash fiction stories I shared on here and I couldn't even bother the people in my life to click the link to the posts I shared on a multitude of places. Before I forget what I am going to say, I'm going to get right into our next topic.

I'm at the end of my rope, people. Constantly working a physically/mentally draining job that I hate with every fiber of me being, is starting to take a toll on me. I have no energy for writing, no time for family, no time for relaxation, it's just a constant haze of stress and depression from here. To catch you up to speed, I am a twenty-one year old horror "author" who just can't seem to catch a break. I moved out when I was nineteen due to arguments with my mother becoming exaggerated by people in a hurry (confusing? Good. I'm not going to pin point on that one.). Even now, I have hardly any time to write this blog because my trash apartment and needy wife are yelling at me right now to get to bed, so forgive me if this seems a little rushed (great, now she's going to see my post and all Hell is going to break loose because so many people in my life can't keep their mouths shut. For the record, I think I love her she's just very, very needy at the moment).

Anyway, we're getting off topic (if there is one in the first place).

I am walking this thin, dental-floss rope with my view on writing, or art in general for that matter; on one side I fall and wind up in a boiling pot of raging despair, alcoholism, a miserable dead-end "9-5" job, and borderline suicidal, working and chasing after a dream until I'm gripped by cancer, a cardiac arrest, or a stroke.... on the other side, I fall and wind up quitting everything I've ever worked so hard for to get to this point, and go to college, work a job I could care less for, retire, and die as another product in a materialistic society (for those of you who do/did go to college, if you are happy doing what you're doing, redact my previous statement. For those of you who hate their job, is the money really worth it?).

Yes, yes, I have heard it a hundred times before, "We all have to work jobs we hate, Kyle." To which I always reply, "Because you settled for it."

Onto the next topic, the bullshit hand I've been dealt while pursuing my dreams.

Financial Problems

In 2014, I graduated from my bullshit high school, got a bullshit job, and finished a book I had been writing for three years: Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me if you look at a lot of my social media accounts, I talk about this book a lot; that's because it is the most personal thing I have ever made before, everything has a symbol about the emotions and anxieties I felt for those three years. I published the book in February of 2016, (had to save up money for an editor, formatting, and cover art while trying to save up for a car, a place of my own, and college on my $8.15/hr job at 26 hours a week) and instantly spent a hundred dollars alone on marketing with Facebook, after writing the most genius sales pitch I ever mustered (dumb mistake), sold four books. Around this time, I had moved out and got a better job at a whopping $9/hr. People (authors from whom I asked for advice) told me my book was too expensive, so I lowered the Kindle price to $0.99 and the print price to $6.99 and spent another fifty on marketing with Facebook and Twitter, sold fifteen books, so I spent another HUNDRED on marketing and sold only six books, but had over a hundred likes on my Facebook page.

Let's pause and tally that up really quick:

Professional editor: $122
Formatting: $25
Cover art: $15 (which I later lost the rights to)
Marketing: $250

Total so far:
$412.00

Okay, back to the story.

By this time, I had three five-star reviews "Cool" I thought. So I started spending $20/month on marketing with different social media accounts, until August when my second book A Stray Child was released. By this time, after having run a free promotion I was at a total of fifty-seven books for Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me and now four five-star reviews. I hardly marketed A Stray Child, I think I spent a total of fifty bucks on marketing this book. Next, my first short-story collection was published and I did absolutely nothing for this release, no marketing except for a few posts on my Facebook page (I was caught up in a lot of stuff in my personal life, and had started this blog as a hope for another means of marketing).

I have now sold at this moment:

Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me: 104 books (most being free) 5-star average on Amazon
A Stray Child: 121 books (some being free) 3.5-star average on Amazon (3 five-stars and 1 one-star)
203: A Short-Story Collection: 8 books 5-star average on Amazon (only one review)

..........

$1,046.74

That's how much I've spent on my four books I have self-published. I have made $40 on my books.



I make, roughly, $1,200/month and all of my bills are split between me and my wife.

Rent: $305
Electric: $25
Car stuff: $250
Gas: $20
Food: $100
Phone: $40
Credit card: $25
Cable: $40
Dog/Cat food: $30

$815.00 roughly, fluctuates often.

Then I have Savings, the occasional need for new socks or milk, and if I ever want to pay my 25% APR card off? Well, I need to pay a lump sum right? And my bank finds it funny to charge a monthly fee to have an account with them if you don't have a "credible" balance.. that fee is $25 and is a monthly payment, because I never have the $500 minimum they require and there are NO OTHER BANKS AROUND ME!

I usually find myself with a hundred bucks at the end of the month if I'm lucky.

Now why this massive chart of the shit I pay for? Well that's the first reason why I don't think I can continue with this endeavor. I can't afford to pour all of my resources into these books if they just aren't getting picked up. Cruel isn't it? That's not all though. NEXT SECTION!!!!

Lack of Support

Usually, you'll see a family being supportive of one's dreams no matter how bad they are at it right? Not in my family. They either don't take me seriously and brush me off, criticize me for pursuing my dream and not going to college, tell me there is no work in my writing, or just in general not being supportive. I had to lie to a few of them and say I got a movie deal just so I would feel like somebody is pushing me in my endeavors. My wife doesn't, my mom doesn't, my grandmas don't, my uncles, aunts, cousins, friends..... nobody. I am completely on my own and it often times makes me wonder if I am just trash as a writer, despite a handful of strangers telling me how great my work is and I'm sick and tired of being the only one proud of myself.

Competition

The first successful self-published author I asked for guidance from told me that we are a community and we need to work together, he also told me not to expect to be the next J. K. Rowling or Stephen King, which I don't, I just want to pay my bills even if it means scraping by on occasion. This author was somebody I looked up to for a very long time, only recently has he found success and gotten full-blown movie deals and such.... which made him drop me like a hot potato and never reply to any of my e-mails or messages again.

There is two new authors in particular who I am going to speak about, and I bring them up because they have put a massive strain on the joy I use to feel when writing my stories.

The first one: He more or less insulted me for giving honest feedback to help him, then proceeded to ignore me and try to push his book on others.

The Second One: I capitalize his name for a reason, he is my main purpose of this paragraph. So you know all that wrote earlier? Well, flip that completely and you'll have this guy. He has every single advantage one could ask for. He's got a good job, lives at home with mom and dad (who pay all of his bills, mind you), and was a shining star in high school. Petty? You bet, but it makes my blood boil thinking about him. The only thing he pays for is the gas in his car and his one book which he has spent a small fortune on. He paid a little over what I paid for my books grand total on marketing alone, $1,050 on MARKETING. You know why? Because he doesn't have to worry about jack-shit. Shit, his editor does editing and formatting work for free (I tried to get in touch with her but she ignored me, considering the conflicts we had in the past during school), he does his own cover art (which is a bad photo shop job if you ask me), and only worries about marketing. Within two months of creating his page, he had just over a thousand followers, was selling quite a few books at $2.99 a POP! Yet, MINE were too expensive, the shit I dumped my heart and soul into? The worst thing about this? He started writing as a HOBBY because it was EASY! Now he's quit his great job and pursues writing full-time ON ONE BOOK. I have absolutely never seen or read anything like it before. Maybe I'm upset because he paid his way to the top? Not likely, I think I am upset because this individual use to harass the holy-shit out of me in high school and now he's living my dream? Petty? Like I said, yes it fucking is but I don't care.

The "Self-Published" Title

Despite what many articles say online, the "Self-published" title is the bottom line for all writers in our "community". I pursued this route to have full control on my work, but now it seems I'm labeled mediocre without the "professionals" even giving my work a once-over, simply because I am self-published. I suppose we live in a society where doing anything for yourself is strictly forbidden, as if the "pursuit" of happiness is now more of an escalator furthering your descent into the mundane, miserable existence of our modern world.

Conclusion

I am once again alone and forgotten, back to square one, as if I am releasing a book again for the first time, except this time might be my last. I didn't just title my upcoming book on a whim, I put more thought into that title than I have for any other book. "Born Again" is going to be my new, much more brutal approach to the horror genre and this is not just the title of my new book, it is the title for the new chapter in my life as an artist, and perhaps my last. I will make a book that establishes myself as the villain I was destined to be. The only fear I have is this: when I am born again, I might very-well be a still-birth.

I have to go to bed now, but I don't think I'll be able to sleep. I'm on the end of my rope with this market. It's caused more pain, debt, and rage in my life than anything ever before. It seems to become a place-- no an ocean-- overflowing with privilege, beauty, and toxicity (like the rest of the art world seems to be succumbing to). Just like this blog post will probably get a lot of shit (if ever seen) because authors aren't suppose to speak their minds anymore, apparently.