A Surge of Excitement, Followed by Wailing Depression

Hello all.

Me again.

I'll be honest, I've been really stressed out the past couple of days.

So, if you're not in the mood to be brought down or hear one of my repeating complaints, then skip today's post or read the flash fiction story I've posted after this.

I made a post the other day on all of my social media stating that I hate it when things do not happen or do the opposite and I begin losing progress. No, this is not progress that is happening in places that I cannot see. I can clearly see my lack of progress with a variety of tools at my disposal. That lack of progress is starting to drain me immensely.

I've been reading articles a lot lately, trying to get some kind of inspiration to start taking action but the articles just start stressing me out more and, somehow, make me think my work isn't good enough. This is, unfortunately, a common problem among many artists and I realize now that I have a thing called "creative depression", no that's not a legitimate medical diagnosis. I'm getting off topic here. Long story short, I'm very stressed out and I can't seem to find an answer as to why. A week ago I was super excited for each of my upcoming books, now I wonder if they'll even be worth my time to publish.

Which brings me to my next little rant.

Social Media

No matter how hard I feel I try, I cannot grow in any aspect of my life; in fact, the more I try, the more progress I lose, it seems. I don't fucking understand it (pardon my language, but "fucked" seems to be a good summary of my mental state).

Twitter. Remember how happy I was to have exceeded my Facebook page's follower count? I peaked at 231 followers on Twitter and the day after I posted my blog post, I kid you not, I plummeted down to 218 followers. At the time of writing this, I now have 215 followers. So, essentially, something that took me three months to accumulate vanished in two days time. People would follow me, wait until I followed them back (networking and all), and then just unfollow me. That is some pretty frustrating stuff.

Facebook. Is literally the same it has been for the past year, with brief moments where I LOSE likes, it never grows and always ends up breaking even. To be honest, this is probably my most loyal and active social media community and where most of you beautiful readers stem from.

YouTube. The moment I stop taking it seriously, it grows. The moment I start taking it seriously, I lose all progress I make. I do everything all these "how-to" articles and videos say to do and NOTHING works. I try to do something corny and funny, nothing, I try to make a serious video, nothing, I push my videos everywhere I can, still nothing. Again, for the eightieth time, I hate dedicating so much time and effort into something only for it to completely backfire.

Instagram. I just hate the whole platform and what it encourages and rewards. What more can I say?

My biggest disappointment this month was when Born Again was free for five days. I pushed it hardcore on Twitter and Instagram, considering most of my Facebook followers already had a copy of their own and accumulated a little over thirty downloads... the worst free promotion I have ever run. Like, it's free. People like the posts about the promotion, but can't be bothered to click a link? I know I might upset some people with complaining about nobody downloading my book, but I say again, if I wrote it strictly for myself, I would not publish it.

Reviews

There is also one thing that has plagued my writing life since I started and that is reviews. Amazon puts far too much emphasis on reviews. I appreciate everyone who has read and/or reviewed the books, I apologize if this rant seems to be directed at you; it's not. I understand that life can be crazy sometimes and not everyone can spare the time to give a review (especially given Amazon's picky review sorting system).

This rant is directed at the 111 review sites/blogs I gave my books to for free that claimed they would get back in touch with me a year and a half ago. Seriously, fuck you. If you hated the book, then say that. I just want something you know? Otherwise, why am I wasting my time and resources in giving my books to you? If it's because you don't have enough time, then tell me that, don't lie to me and make me feel like a fool.

I gave my books to a grand total of 113 websites/blogs and only two got back to me (which I greatly respect both of them for). Honestly, I stopped sending my books to reviewers because of the 111 websites giving me the run around. I get more reviews from strangers who stumble upon my books than from websites whose JOB is to review and connect with authors/artists/filmmakers/etc. Again, I would prefer to know that someone hated my book rather than just leave me in silence, wondering if I'll ever hear from them again.

Out of 113 websites/blogs I sent my books to, I had one get back in touch with me stating they were completely booked and wouldn't have time to read and review my novel until next year; I had another one actually read and review my first book and that site was gbhbl.com. Thank you, GBHBL again, and thank you even more so for the awesome review, and I'm very glad you enjoyed the book! (see the in depth, well woven review here: https://gbhbl.com/horror-book-review-never-forgive-me-never-forget-me-by-kyle-atwood/).

Conclusion

Sorry, but when I rant on here, it honestly makes me feel better, helps me hone my writing skills, helps me identify the feelings I'm having and eliminate them, and update my blog as well.

So, if you're one of my readers, know that this was not at all directed at you. I appreciate you so much, I wouldn't dare say a bad thing about you. I am more frustrated with people exploiting others and not growing in any aspect of my life.

Again, this post was not directed towards you, my dearest reader.

I guess I'm just an existential nihilist and I'm having a hard time accepting that.

That's all, guys.

As always,

stay rotten, everybody.

Frustrations and Other Thoughts

Hello all.

Me again.

I find myself complaining a lot lately, more commonly about the lack of time and the fact that there are only so many hours in the day. For instance, today is my day off and I have to get some writing done, clean my apartment, go to the bank, and record a video, all before my wife comes home (family always comes before work and we haven't spent much time together lately). So, I think today's blog post is going to have to be a brief one, on the count of having so much to do.

But, before we get into the post, Born Again is still free on Kindle until tomorrow night! So hurry up and get it downloaded before it goes back up to its full price! https://www.amazon.com/Born-Again-Kyle-Atwood-ebook/dp/B0719RNDMX/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1521484301&sr=8-2&keywords=kyle+atwood

Anyway, on with the rest of the post.

I already mentioned that time and I have not been getting along lately. It just seems that whenever I think I have time to catch up, I have to do something, whether it be going to work or going to the doctors or whatever have you, and that's fine, that's just how life is. What is not fine, is the fact that it still bothers me, despite me saying, "that's just how life is" and it sucks. Often times, while I'm at work, I'll keep repeating to myself that, "I'd rather be writing" and that is very true. The funny thing is, though, is that when I finally sit down to write, I get a great big case of writer's block and I end up sitting there for hours writing no more than a hundred or so words. That's life though.

My next frustration is marketing (it's only the eightieth time I've complained about it). Ironically enough, I've sold more books for Born Again last week when it was full priced, than I have when it has been free. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I wish the problem could be highlighted in blood red for me.

Frustration numero tres: I just feel like, the moment I start getting excited about something, be that YouTube or the articles I have been writing lately, I get no results from the work I put into them. Like, I don't want to record a video today because I know it will get no views and I'll probably even lose a subscriber, if I haven't already (and a subscriber for a channel with only twenty-four of them is like losing a thousand subscribers over night, it's bothersome). My articles generated more readers when I was writing them every couple of months, now I'm writing them every week or so, dedicate three days to writing each one and I wind up getting no more than ten views, I just feel wronged somehow. I'm insecure and all, boohoo, pity me and buy a book, eh? Just kidding, but I am insecure.

Frustration 4: I really want to own my domain name of my website and update it immensely, but I don't have enough money to do so. Day job doesn't pay me enough and I'm not generating nearly enough income from my books to afford that.

However, despite everything else moving like a slug, my blog has been generating more readers and that is FREAKING AWESOME! I went from having one or two people reading my posts, to ten, twenty, or thirty reading them and it makes me VERY HAPPY! Thank you guys.

Another fantastic side note is that my Twitter account has BLOWN up in the past month, surpassing my Facebook follower count (214 people) by hitting 220 followers, granted, about ten of them are probably lusty sex bots, but until they are banned from Twitter, I'M COUNTIN' 'EM!

You know, despite my frustrations, I'm actually rather happy. Don't know if I'm exactly optimistic about the future of my work, but at this exact moment, I feel excited for what I will be releasing starting with my poetry collection being released in a little under a month from now.

Anyway, be sure to download Born Again . It's free. What have you got to lose? Plus, it'll make me feel all warm and toasty inside.

Check out my latest article at:
https://hubpages.com/entertainment/The-Golden-Age-of-Slasher-Films

So, that's all for today's post, guys, I've gotta get started on cleaning (my apartment is a complete disaster and no that is not an over exaggeration, it is complete fact).

Stay rotten, everybody.

An Old Essay on Loneliness

Hello again, all. I know it has been ten days since I posted. To which I say, where does the time go? Frankly, I just didn't have anything to post and I really hate doing filler content for any of my projects. Anyway, I had plugged in a USB drive to back up all of my current work onto, and I noticed that it had a few old scribblings of mine. Mainly old essays from high school and I thought the one below was relevant because it was technically the first thing I ever wrote. If I'm not mistaken, this was from my freshman year and off of it, I started to think about poetry and from poetry to short stories, then from short stories to novels.

So, yeah, I figured it would be a nice piece of Kyle Atwood history, not that Kyle Atwood history is really relevant at this point, but as I'm sure you know, I enjoy looking back on my own work and I just find it interesting to see where I've come from in writing.

Loneliness: The Effect

A quote from the late Mother Teresa; “Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.” The dictionary defines loneliness as “the state of being alone in solitary isolation, being without companions.” A human being’s existence, starts as a lonely one and ends as a lonely one. In addition to that we are all alone in our thoughts no one truly understands or experiences the joy and the sorrow quite like ourselves, or in other words everyone feels the same thing but in a different way. One can try and express this disease like state through literature, music, talking or drawing but they never come across exactly the same way.

Loneliness is a universal problem. Throughout decades, and generation after generation loneliness is depicted in all forms of art. Poets describe feelings of isolation, lacking support, lacking a much needed friend or even feeling that no one around them understands them. So in essence, lonely individuals need friendships, friends who would take notice of them, understand and relate to their miserable situation. However, lonely individuals are unable to achieve their needed friendship due to past experiences of being harshly rejected and abused; whether it be mentally or physically. From this, the lonely individual comes to believe that everyone he or she confronts will treat them in a rejecting manner. As a self established defense mechanism, the individual shuts out the rest of the world blocking out all who try to help them or mainly who try to harm them.

One may argue that an individual remains lonely because they choose to be or to not open up and learn more about the people around them, that after learning of the true good nature of most people they‘ll break their depressed state. But , when an individual has been treated with such carelessness and foolishness they become afraid, so the simplicity of just opening up is a lot more difficult then perceived. Fear is a strong factor in fortifying one’s self established defense mechanism. Also if the lonely individual were so happened to speak with someone, it does not mean they will feel excepted; if anything they will grow much more worried about how that person portrays them.

Normally lonely individuals feel like a misfit, or someone who doesn’t fit in with the crowd. Often there are questions such as “why don’t they accept me?” or the most common of them “what did I ever do to deserve this?”. The feeling of wanting to be ‘normal’ rather than standing out and then being rejected for it; is a common depressor in a lonely person’s mind. Loneliness can establish a want; not only to be excepted but to be praised, looked up to or even admired which can develop a stronger sense of failure in an individual’s mind.
Loneliness is a state of feeling left out or cut off. It is an unforgettable and regrettable, necessity that of which each and every life must endure whether it be for minutes at a time or years. It is the worst of feelings. It is the central and inevitable fact for human existence.

Before We Go

I hope the essay wasn't too terrible, certainly not a college essay I know.

Below I've shared my most recent vlog. I decided to take a different approach with my YouTube channel and just kind of condense everything down into one video, I also decide to have a rant about popular YouTubers, which I'm sure I'll probably regret later on down the road.

So, that's all, guys. As always.... stay rotten, everybody.