While researching different platforms to start my blog on, in the early years of my writing, I found Blogger. Now, two years later, as I decide whether or not to revive the blog on a new platform, I do some more research for a FREE platform. Every single one, of course, always says something along the lines of "Be wary, Google could shut it down any chance they get."
Naturally, this puts me in a worried state. Which is why I hadn't posted on this blog for some time. I didn't want to put work into something that would simply vanish without a moment's notice, but, guess what? I've stopped caring. I've archived the stories I have on here (not going to bother with most of the regular blog posts as they are usually pointless) so I'm not worried about those, and I will continue archiving any further stories just in case this very same thing happens. I just hope Google doesn't decide to betray me, because that would mean I would have to find a site that would work well with my website and that, in of itself, is a trick.
I guess we'll just have to see what the future holds then.
That's all, everyone.
Friday, January 12, 2018
My Writing Process
Alright, I'll admit it, I got this idea from another article on Google. But I thought it was a good idea because I think it's an interesting insight into my life. I'm narcissistic like that. Anyway, let's get on with it shall we?
Now, an ideal writing situation for me is when I am off of work early or just completely and my wife is at work, so that way I can focus solely on my writing.
Before
Before I sit down at my desk and begin punching my way through, seemingly, endless waves of paragraphs, I get a stack of movies or music (or click the fitting playlist on my media player) and clear off my work space. To be honest, lately, it's been movies that help keep me focused, they keep me involved with the setting of my book and give me a visual stimulant when I need to look away for a moment. So I'll pop the disc into some device and wait for the sounds to come, I then grab two water bottles (or pop if I'm feeling naughty), grab a small healthy, filling snack, and then I sit down.
During
Alright, I open Google docs and begin typing away. I use to use OpenOffice before, and Microsoft Word before that, but Word was too expensive and OpenOffice was too basic, Docs was just right for me. However, I do still use OpenOffice for formatting my books for Amazon because Docs doesn't do anything like that, from what I understand.
I use to write out a kind of road map for my novels, but I decided to quit doing that. It's more exciting for me when I let my characters take ME for the ride instead of me taking them. In fact, a lot of my favorite moments in my previous books were from unscripted events that I stuck into my stories. I mean, I know what I want to happen to the characters, I just don't know how it will happen. For instance, I want my main character Jimmy Bob to die, but how and why is the real meat and I love leaving that up to chance. This also makes the story seem more real to me, and I hope it does the same for my readers. Unfortunately, however, this method does involve a MASSIVE amount of doctoring before I send it off to my editor; often times, I lose patience and decide to pay my editor a doubled price to get a more in depth edit.
Another thing that I do is I'll give myself a set word goal before I go on my "lunch break", I also have a set word goal for the entire day and if I go way over that, I reward myself with a brownie or something. It's childish, and a little weird, but it works for me and I'm happy to do it, it also helps me organize better in my daily life.
I do also try to find time to record a video or two for my YouTube channel.
I usually take my break at the halfway point for my word goal or when my second movie, or third CD is finished.
I do not finish until either A: the stack of movies or CD's has run out or B: I finish the story. Unfortunately, I can't keep working through a playlist, because each of my playlists are about sixteen hours long at least, and I have a life outside of work to keep up with, such as a day job and a wife.
The Lunch Break
I'll make myself something and either watch YouTube, Hulu, Netflix, do some research, or look up tips on how to improve my marketing strategy or my writing.
After
After I finish writing for the day, I save everything like three times, close out the windows and switch my computer off. I leave my office, sit on the couch and start up a video game. If my wife is home, I either eat dinner or start dinner, ask her if she wants to go out to see a movie, spend some time with her, or, if she wants to go to bed early, I'll go back to playing my video games, or even I'll sneak in some more writing before I go to sleep.
So this is, usually, how my day's off from the day job look. Yes, it is exhausting, and yes, it does bother me to see how little results I am getting for putting in this much effort. But my motto for 2018, is, in fact, "Keep your chin up. It could always be worse."
I hope this post gave you guys a little more insight about my writing life, and I hope it was somewhat interesting to you. I appreciate you reading the post.
Tell your friends and stay rotten, everybody!
Now, an ideal writing situation for me is when I am off of work early or just completely and my wife is at work, so that way I can focus solely on my writing.
Before
Before I sit down at my desk and begin punching my way through, seemingly, endless waves of paragraphs, I get a stack of movies or music (or click the fitting playlist on my media player) and clear off my work space. To be honest, lately, it's been movies that help keep me focused, they keep me involved with the setting of my book and give me a visual stimulant when I need to look away for a moment. So I'll pop the disc into some device and wait for the sounds to come, I then grab two water bottles (or pop if I'm feeling naughty), grab a small healthy, filling snack, and then I sit down.
During
Alright, I open Google docs and begin typing away. I use to use OpenOffice before, and Microsoft Word before that, but Word was too expensive and OpenOffice was too basic, Docs was just right for me. However, I do still use OpenOffice for formatting my books for Amazon because Docs doesn't do anything like that, from what I understand.
I use to write out a kind of road map for my novels, but I decided to quit doing that. It's more exciting for me when I let my characters take ME for the ride instead of me taking them. In fact, a lot of my favorite moments in my previous books were from unscripted events that I stuck into my stories. I mean, I know what I want to happen to the characters, I just don't know how it will happen. For instance, I want my main character Jimmy Bob to die, but how and why is the real meat and I love leaving that up to chance. This also makes the story seem more real to me, and I hope it does the same for my readers. Unfortunately, however, this method does involve a MASSIVE amount of doctoring before I send it off to my editor; often times, I lose patience and decide to pay my editor a doubled price to get a more in depth edit.
Another thing that I do is I'll give myself a set word goal before I go on my "lunch break", I also have a set word goal for the entire day and if I go way over that, I reward myself with a brownie or something. It's childish, and a little weird, but it works for me and I'm happy to do it, it also helps me organize better in my daily life.
I do also try to find time to record a video or two for my YouTube channel.
I usually take my break at the halfway point for my word goal or when my second movie, or third CD is finished.
I do not finish until either A: the stack of movies or CD's has run out or B: I finish the story. Unfortunately, I can't keep working through a playlist, because each of my playlists are about sixteen hours long at least, and I have a life outside of work to keep up with, such as a day job and a wife.
The Lunch Break
I'll make myself something and either watch YouTube, Hulu, Netflix, do some research, or look up tips on how to improve my marketing strategy or my writing.
After
After I finish writing for the day, I save everything like three times, close out the windows and switch my computer off. I leave my office, sit on the couch and start up a video game. If my wife is home, I either eat dinner or start dinner, ask her if she wants to go out to see a movie, spend some time with her, or, if she wants to go to bed early, I'll go back to playing my video games, or even I'll sneak in some more writing before I go to sleep.
So this is, usually, how my day's off from the day job look. Yes, it is exhausting, and yes, it does bother me to see how little results I am getting for putting in this much effort. But my motto for 2018, is, in fact, "Keep your chin up. It could always be worse."
I hope this post gave you guys a little more insight about my writing life, and I hope it was somewhat interesting to you. I appreciate you reading the post.
Tell your friends and stay rotten, everybody!
Thursday, January 11, 2018
Time to Revive My Blog
Yep, we'll see how long this lasts.
I plan to update this blog at least twice a week from now on, in hopes of drawing in more audiences and so on. This blog will no longer be strictly flash-fiction. Instead, it will be what a blog is suppose to be... informational, creative, and fun. I realize that I am going onto my second year with this and I had put some really high expectations into my writing (not just my blog). I was young, I was dumb and, well, those two don't combine for a good professional combination.
Sure, I'll probably crash and burn but that's alright, I can now document it and see where I went so horribly wrong.
So, with the future of this blog, you can expect
I plan to update this blog at least twice a week from now on, in hopes of drawing in more audiences and so on. This blog will no longer be strictly flash-fiction. Instead, it will be what a blog is suppose to be... informational, creative, and fun. I realize that I am going onto my second year with this and I had put some really high expectations into my writing (not just my blog). I was young, I was dumb and, well, those two don't combine for a good professional combination.
Sure, I'll probably crash and burn but that's alright, I can now document it and see where I went so horribly wrong.
So, with the future of this blog, you can expect
- Top 10's
- How-To's
- Flash Fiction
- Sneak Peeks
- General updates
- Recommendations
- Or anything else I can come up with.
Also, regarding the future of my writing:
- I will update my website in the near future
- I am going to start releasing short-stories independantly
- I am going to be taking my time
- I am going to start networking and branching out for collaborations and so forth
All this among other things that I am sure I am forgetting to post. 2017 was perhaps the worst year of my life, and I was very close to calling it quits on everything. But I feel 2018 will be a more beneficial year for me and my work. With this blog, I also hope to improve my ability as a writer as well. I also have become more active on my YouTube channel and I will be updating more regularly on there. There will be reviews, vlogs, recommendations and so on.
I'm starting 2018 off strong, I can only hope that it will continue through the whole year.
Thanks for sticking around.
Stay rotten, everybody.
Saturday, October 7, 2017
Why Have I Pushed Everything Back?
Simple, really.
But, in order to have a feasible blog post for you all, I have to drag it out.
So, without further ado, on with a blog post that has been overdue for a good while now.
You have all read my MANY complaints regarding the self-publishing industry. Basically, it's like that again, only this time I have put a halt on all publishing because of many reasons.
But, in order to have a feasible blog post for you all, I have to drag it out.
So, without further ado, on with a blog post that has been overdue for a good while now.
You have all read my MANY complaints regarding the self-publishing industry. Basically, it's like that again, only this time I have put a halt on all publishing because of many reasons.
- Why do all this work if nobody will read it?
- Why spend all this money if nobody will read it?
- Why force myself to pump out a garbage book just to stay relevant in the industry? Why squander my craft like that?
- My new job has me working sixty hours a week and I hardly have the energy to write when I'm off. I do manage to write on my half-hour lunch break, but that's hardly anything at all.
- Why strain myself?
Granted, I have been working with many ideas, all of which require too much work for no result and, as I've said many times before, there's no point in it.
I have finally found a topic which I can write clearly and concisely about within the lengths of a novella and it has been a long time coming. Work will begin momentarily, I just thought I should update the two of you reading this about where I am and what I've been doing.
That's all, guess it was a fairly quick blog post anyway. I should continue with weekly stories and posts soon, but don't hold me to it. I'll probably be unmotivated through tomorrow until God knows when.
Stay rotten, everybody.
Sunday, June 25, 2017
I Ordered a Salad
I had ordered a salad.
Pretty basic thing.
The waitress was kind and genuine, and a real looker to boot. I ordered a diet Pepsi with my salad too, can't stand the taste of water or coffee. So she came back and gave me my diet Pepsi and I drank it down fast, I was thirsty and the damn drink just tasted so good.
The waitress came back with another diet Pepsi and my salad, gave me a quick smile and returned to her work.
I got about halfway through the salad when the waitress came back and asked me if everything was good and I, of course, said yes. She smiled again. She gave me her number after that and said I was cute or something... I don't know. Just as she finished writing down that number, the bell signaling the arrival of another customer dinged.
"I'll call you later," I said, giving her a quick glare.
CRACK!
She went down like a sack of potatoes, leaving a bit of warm, sticky residue on my face.
I stood up and held my father's pistol at the young couple behind me and fired off three more shots. One into the back of his girlfriend's head, and the other two in his chest.
Five more shots and five more people who attempted to flee, fell to the floor. Damn, I'm glad I took those classes! Perfect headshots!
The others didn't even try to escape, probably thinking I was going to spare their lives.
I killed most of them.
Only two remained and I could not find them anywhere, an old man and his grand daughter probably got away today.
The cops pulled up and I continued pulling off a few more shots, taking down one of them. His partner got the upper hand, however, and now here I am lying on my back staring up at a ceiling fan waiting to die.
And who said you can't start a good story with "I ordered a salad?"
Pretty basic thing.
The waitress was kind and genuine, and a real looker to boot. I ordered a diet Pepsi with my salad too, can't stand the taste of water or coffee. So she came back and gave me my diet Pepsi and I drank it down fast, I was thirsty and the damn drink just tasted so good.
The waitress came back with another diet Pepsi and my salad, gave me a quick smile and returned to her work.
I got about halfway through the salad when the waitress came back and asked me if everything was good and I, of course, said yes. She smiled again. She gave me her number after that and said I was cute or something... I don't know. Just as she finished writing down that number, the bell signaling the arrival of another customer dinged.
"I'll call you later," I said, giving her a quick glare.
CRACK!
She went down like a sack of potatoes, leaving a bit of warm, sticky residue on my face.
I stood up and held my father's pistol at the young couple behind me and fired off three more shots. One into the back of his girlfriend's head, and the other two in his chest.
Five more shots and five more people who attempted to flee, fell to the floor. Damn, I'm glad I took those classes! Perfect headshots!
The others didn't even try to escape, probably thinking I was going to spare their lives.
I killed most of them.
Only two remained and I could not find them anywhere, an old man and his grand daughter probably got away today.
The cops pulled up and I continued pulling off a few more shots, taking down one of them. His partner got the upper hand, however, and now here I am lying on my back staring up at a ceiling fan waiting to die.
And who said you can't start a good story with "I ordered a salad?"
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
A Warm Place
A lifetime of fucking so many things up,
A lifetime living in this filthy fucking flesh.
A new story will be told, and every problem has a solution,
This is mine-
Click
You wouldn't believe how simple it really was,
I just put the gun in my mouth
Tasted the metallic residue on the tip of the barrel,
Closed my eyes, bit my teeth, pulled the trigger-
Bang.
All my insecurities came spilling out
In the darkest shade
A crimson, clumpy puddle
Of all that I ever was.
Mmm finally,
A warm place.
Somewhere far away
From all of you.
A lifetime living in this filthy fucking flesh.
A new story will be told, and every problem has a solution,
This is mine-
Click
You wouldn't believe how simple it really was,
I just put the gun in my mouth
Tasted the metallic residue on the tip of the barrel,
Closed my eyes, bit my teeth, pulled the trigger-
Bang.
All my insecurities came spilling out
In the darkest shade
A crimson, clumpy puddle
Of all that I ever was.
Mmm finally,
A warm place.
Somewhere far away
From all of you.
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
I Want to Quit
Introduction
I'm not really sure if this will be a good post or not (grammatically and quality wise), but frankly, I don't care, I have a few things to get off of my chest and some writing that needs done. No, the website I am using for this post does not support any fancier looking formats and I can't afford a thirty dollar/month blog program for writing something that nobody will read.
It is now 12:30 a.m. as I am writing this post, and if you're reading this, welcome, if not, well, no surprise there. I can't seem to get people to read my work even if it's free, perhaps I'm cursed (being a bastard and all).
As you probably notice from my past blog posts, I had a few free write/flash fiction stories I shared on here and I couldn't even bother the people in my life to click the link to the posts I shared on a multitude of places. Before I forget what I am going to say, I'm going to get right into our next topic.
I'm at the end of my rope, people. Constantly working a physically/mentally draining job that I hate with every fiber of me being, is starting to take a toll on me. I have no energy for writing, no time for family, no time for relaxation, it's just a constant haze of stress and depression from here. To catch you up to speed, I am a twenty-one year old horror "author" who just can't seem to catch a break. I moved out when I was nineteen due to arguments with my mother becoming exaggerated by people in a hurry (confusing? Good. I'm not going to pin point on that one.). Even now, I have hardly any time to write this blog because my trash apartment and needy wife are yelling at me right now to get to bed, so forgive me if this seems a little rushed (great, now she's going to see my post and all Hell is going to break loose because so many people in my life can't keep their mouths shut. For the record, I think I love her she's just very, very needy at the moment).
Anyway, we're getting off topic (if there is one in the first place).
I am walking this thin, dental-floss rope with my view on writing, or art in general for that matter; on one side I fall and wind up in a boiling pot of raging despair, alcoholism, a miserable dead-end "9-5" job, and borderline suicidal, working and chasing after a dream until I'm gripped by cancer, a cardiac arrest, or a stroke.... on the other side, I fall and wind up quitting everything I've ever worked so hard for to get to this point, and go to college, work a job I could care less for, retire, and die as another product in a materialistic society (for those of you who do/did go to college, if you are happy doing what you're doing, redact my previous statement. For those of you who hate their job, is the money really worth it?).
Yes, yes, I have heard it a hundred times before, "We all have to work jobs we hate, Kyle." To which I always reply, "Because you settled for it."
Onto the next topic, the bullshit hand I've been dealt while pursuing my dreams.
Financial Problems
In 2014, I graduated from my bullshit high school, got a bullshit job, and finished a book I had been writing for three years: Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me if you look at a lot of my social media accounts, I talk about this book a lot; that's because it is the most personal thing I have ever made before, everything has a symbol about the emotions and anxieties I felt for those three years. I published the book in February of 2016, (had to save up money for an editor, formatting, and cover art while trying to save up for a car, a place of my own, and college on my $8.15/hr job at 26 hours a week) and instantly spent a hundred dollars alone on marketing with Facebook, after writing the most genius sales pitch I ever mustered (dumb mistake), sold four books. Around this time, I had moved out and got a better job at a whopping $9/hr. People (authors from whom I asked for advice) told me my book was too expensive, so I lowered the Kindle price to $0.99 and the print price to $6.99 and spent another fifty on marketing with Facebook and Twitter, sold fifteen books, so I spent another HUNDRED on marketing and sold only six books, but had over a hundred likes on my Facebook page.
Let's pause and tally that up really quick:
Professional editor: $122
Formatting: $25
Cover art: $15 (which I later lost the rights to)
Marketing: $250
Total so far:
$412.00
Okay, back to the story.
By this time, I had three five-star reviews "Cool" I thought. So I started spending $20/month on marketing with different social media accounts, until August when my second book A Stray Child was released. By this time, after having run a free promotion I was at a total of fifty-seven books for Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me and now four five-star reviews. I hardly marketed A Stray Child, I think I spent a total of fifty bucks on marketing this book. Next, my first short-story collection was published and I did absolutely nothing for this release, no marketing except for a few posts on my Facebook page (I was caught up in a lot of stuff in my personal life, and had started this blog as a hope for another means of marketing).
I have now sold at this moment:
Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me: 104 books (most being free) 5-star average on Amazon
A Stray Child: 121 books (some being free) 3.5-star average on Amazon (3 five-stars and 1 one-star)
203: A Short-Story Collection: 8 books 5-star average on Amazon (only one review)
..........
$1,046.74
That's how much I've spent on my four books I have self-published. I have made $40 on my books.
I make, roughly, $1,200/month and all of my bills are split between me and my wife.
Rent: $305
Electric: $25
Car stuff: $250
Gas: $20
Food: $100
Phone: $40
Credit card: $25
Cable: $40
Dog/Cat food: $30
$815.00 roughly, fluctuates often.
Then I have Savings, the occasional need for new socks or milk, and if I ever want to pay my 25% APR card off? Well, I need to pay a lump sum right? And my bank finds it funny to charge a monthly fee to have an account with them if you don't have a "credible" balance.. that fee is $25 and is a monthly payment, because I never have the $500 minimum they require and there are NO OTHER BANKS AROUND ME!
I usually find myself with a hundred bucks at the end of the month if I'm lucky.
Now why this massive chart of the shit I pay for? Well that's the first reason why I don't think I can continue with this endeavor. I can't afford to pour all of my resources into these books if they just aren't getting picked up. Cruel isn't it? That's not all though. NEXT SECTION!!!!
Lack of Support
Usually, you'll see a family being supportive of one's dreams no matter how bad they are at it right? Not in my family. They either don't take me seriously and brush me off, criticize me for pursuing my dream and not going to college, tell me there is no work in my writing, or just in general not being supportive. I had to lie to a few of them and say I got a movie deal just so I would feel like somebody is pushing me in my endeavors. My wife doesn't, my mom doesn't, my grandmas don't, my uncles, aunts, cousins, friends..... nobody. I am completely on my own and it often times makes me wonder if I am just trash as a writer, despite a handful of strangers telling me how great my work is and I'm sick and tired of being the only one proud of myself.
Competition
The first successful self-published author I asked for guidance from told me that we are a community and we need to work together, he also told me not to expect to be the next J. K. Rowling or Stephen King, which I don't, I just want to pay my bills even if it means scraping by on occasion. This author was somebody I looked up to for a very long time, only recently has he found success and gotten full-blown movie deals and such.... which made him drop me like a hot potato and never reply to any of my e-mails or messages again.
There is two new authors in particular who I am going to speak about, and I bring them up because they have put a massive strain on the joy I use to feel when writing my stories.
The first one: He more or less insulted me for giving honest feedback to help him, then proceeded to ignore me and try to push his book on others.
The Second One: I capitalize his name for a reason, he is my main purpose of this paragraph. So you know all that wrote earlier? Well, flip that completely and you'll have this guy. He has every single advantage one could ask for. He's got a good job, lives at home with mom and dad (who pay all of his bills, mind you), and was a shining star in high school. Petty? You bet, but it makes my blood boil thinking about him. The only thing he pays for is the gas in his car and his one book which he has spent a small fortune on. He paid a little over what I paid for my books grand total on marketing alone, $1,050 on MARKETING. You know why? Because he doesn't have to worry about jack-shit. Shit, his editor does editing and formatting work for free (I tried to get in touch with her but she ignored me, considering the conflicts we had in the past during school), he does his own cover art (which is a bad photo shop job if you ask me), and only worries about marketing. Within two months of creating his page, he had just over a thousand followers, was selling quite a few books at $2.99 a POP! Yet, MINE were too expensive, the shit I dumped my heart and soul into? The worst thing about this? He started writing as a HOBBY because it was EASY! Now he's quit his great job and pursues writing full-time ON ONE BOOK. I have absolutely never seen or read anything like it before. Maybe I'm upset because he paid his way to the top? Not likely, I think I am upset because this individual use to harass the holy-shit out of me in high school and now he's living my dream? Petty? Like I said, yes it fucking is but I don't care.
The "Self-Published" Title
Despite what many articles say online, the "Self-published" title is the bottom line for all writers in our "community". I pursued this route to have full control on my work, but now it seems I'm labeled mediocre without the "professionals" even giving my work a once-over, simply because I am self-published. I suppose we live in a society where doing anything for yourself is strictly forbidden, as if the "pursuit" of happiness is now more of an escalator furthering your descent into the mundane, miserable existence of our modern world.
Conclusion
I am once again alone and forgotten, back to square one, as if I am releasing a book again for the first time, except this time might be my last. I didn't just title my upcoming book on a whim, I put more thought into that title than I have for any other book. "Born Again" is going to be my new, much more brutal approach to the horror genre and this is not just the title of my new book, it is the title for the new chapter in my life as an artist, and perhaps my last. I will make a book that establishes myself as the villain I was destined to be. The only fear I have is this: when I am born again, I might very-well be a still-birth.
I have to go to bed now, but I don't think I'll be able to sleep. I'm on the end of my rope with this market. It's caused more pain, debt, and rage in my life than anything ever before. It seems to become a place-- no an ocean-- overflowing with privilege, beauty, and toxicity (like the rest of the art world seems to be succumbing to). Just like this blog post will probably get a lot of shit (if ever seen) because authors aren't suppose to speak their minds anymore, apparently.
I'm not really sure if this will be a good post or not (grammatically and quality wise), but frankly, I don't care, I have a few things to get off of my chest and some writing that needs done. No, the website I am using for this post does not support any fancier looking formats and I can't afford a thirty dollar/month blog program for writing something that nobody will read.
It is now 12:30 a.m. as I am writing this post, and if you're reading this, welcome, if not, well, no surprise there. I can't seem to get people to read my work even if it's free, perhaps I'm cursed (being a bastard and all).
As you probably notice from my past blog posts, I had a few free write/flash fiction stories I shared on here and I couldn't even bother the people in my life to click the link to the posts I shared on a multitude of places. Before I forget what I am going to say, I'm going to get right into our next topic.
I'm at the end of my rope, people. Constantly working a physically/mentally draining job that I hate with every fiber of me being, is starting to take a toll on me. I have no energy for writing, no time for family, no time for relaxation, it's just a constant haze of stress and depression from here. To catch you up to speed, I am a twenty-one year old horror "author" who just can't seem to catch a break. I moved out when I was nineteen due to arguments with my mother becoming exaggerated by people in a hurry (confusing? Good. I'm not going to pin point on that one.). Even now, I have hardly any time to write this blog because my trash apartment and needy wife are yelling at me right now to get to bed, so forgive me if this seems a little rushed (great, now she's going to see my post and all Hell is going to break loose because so many people in my life can't keep their mouths shut. For the record, I think I love her she's just very, very needy at the moment).
Anyway, we're getting off topic (if there is one in the first place).
I am walking this thin, dental-floss rope with my view on writing, or art in general for that matter; on one side I fall and wind up in a boiling pot of raging despair, alcoholism, a miserable dead-end "9-5" job, and borderline suicidal, working and chasing after a dream until I'm gripped by cancer, a cardiac arrest, or a stroke.... on the other side, I fall and wind up quitting everything I've ever worked so hard for to get to this point, and go to college, work a job I could care less for, retire, and die as another product in a materialistic society (for those of you who do/did go to college, if you are happy doing what you're doing, redact my previous statement. For those of you who hate their job, is the money really worth it?).
Yes, yes, I have heard it a hundred times before, "We all have to work jobs we hate, Kyle." To which I always reply, "Because you settled for it."
Onto the next topic, the bullshit hand I've been dealt while pursuing my dreams.
Financial Problems
In 2014, I graduated from my bullshit high school, got a bullshit job, and finished a book I had been writing for three years: Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me if you look at a lot of my social media accounts, I talk about this book a lot; that's because it is the most personal thing I have ever made before, everything has a symbol about the emotions and anxieties I felt for those three years. I published the book in February of 2016, (had to save up money for an editor, formatting, and cover art while trying to save up for a car, a place of my own, and college on my $8.15/hr job at 26 hours a week) and instantly spent a hundred dollars alone on marketing with Facebook, after writing the most genius sales pitch I ever mustered (dumb mistake), sold four books. Around this time, I had moved out and got a better job at a whopping $9/hr. People (authors from whom I asked for advice) told me my book was too expensive, so I lowered the Kindle price to $0.99 and the print price to $6.99 and spent another fifty on marketing with Facebook and Twitter, sold fifteen books, so I spent another HUNDRED on marketing and sold only six books, but had over a hundred likes on my Facebook page.
Let's pause and tally that up really quick:
Professional editor: $122
Formatting: $25
Cover art: $15 (which I later lost the rights to)
Marketing: $250
Total so far:
$412.00
Okay, back to the story.
By this time, I had three five-star reviews "Cool" I thought. So I started spending $20/month on marketing with different social media accounts, until August when my second book A Stray Child was released. By this time, after having run a free promotion I was at a total of fifty-seven books for Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me and now four five-star reviews. I hardly marketed A Stray Child, I think I spent a total of fifty bucks on marketing this book. Next, my first short-story collection was published and I did absolutely nothing for this release, no marketing except for a few posts on my Facebook page (I was caught up in a lot of stuff in my personal life, and had started this blog as a hope for another means of marketing).
I have now sold at this moment:
Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me: 104 books (most being free) 5-star average on Amazon
A Stray Child: 121 books (some being free) 3.5-star average on Amazon (3 five-stars and 1 one-star)
203: A Short-Story Collection: 8 books 5-star average on Amazon (only one review)
..........
$1,046.74
That's how much I've spent on my four books I have self-published. I have made $40 on my books.
I make, roughly, $1,200/month and all of my bills are split between me and my wife.
Rent: $305
Electric: $25
Car stuff: $250
Gas: $20
Food: $100
Phone: $40
Credit card: $25
Cable: $40
Dog/Cat food: $30
$815.00 roughly, fluctuates often.
Then I have Savings, the occasional need for new socks or milk, and if I ever want to pay my 25% APR card off? Well, I need to pay a lump sum right? And my bank finds it funny to charge a monthly fee to have an account with them if you don't have a "credible" balance.. that fee is $25 and is a monthly payment, because I never have the $500 minimum they require and there are NO OTHER BANKS AROUND ME!
I usually find myself with a hundred bucks at the end of the month if I'm lucky.
Now why this massive chart of the shit I pay for? Well that's the first reason why I don't think I can continue with this endeavor. I can't afford to pour all of my resources into these books if they just aren't getting picked up. Cruel isn't it? That's not all though. NEXT SECTION!!!!
Lack of Support
Usually, you'll see a family being supportive of one's dreams no matter how bad they are at it right? Not in my family. They either don't take me seriously and brush me off, criticize me for pursuing my dream and not going to college, tell me there is no work in my writing, or just in general not being supportive. I had to lie to a few of them and say I got a movie deal just so I would feel like somebody is pushing me in my endeavors. My wife doesn't, my mom doesn't, my grandmas don't, my uncles, aunts, cousins, friends..... nobody. I am completely on my own and it often times makes me wonder if I am just trash as a writer, despite a handful of strangers telling me how great my work is and I'm sick and tired of being the only one proud of myself.
Competition
The first successful self-published author I asked for guidance from told me that we are a community and we need to work together, he also told me not to expect to be the next J. K. Rowling or Stephen King, which I don't, I just want to pay my bills even if it means scraping by on occasion. This author was somebody I looked up to for a very long time, only recently has he found success and gotten full-blown movie deals and such.... which made him drop me like a hot potato and never reply to any of my e-mails or messages again.
There is two new authors in particular who I am going to speak about, and I bring them up because they have put a massive strain on the joy I use to feel when writing my stories.
The first one: He more or less insulted me for giving honest feedback to help him, then proceeded to ignore me and try to push his book on others.
The Second One: I capitalize his name for a reason, he is my main purpose of this paragraph. So you know all that wrote earlier? Well, flip that completely and you'll have this guy. He has every single advantage one could ask for. He's got a good job, lives at home with mom and dad (who pay all of his bills, mind you), and was a shining star in high school. Petty? You bet, but it makes my blood boil thinking about him. The only thing he pays for is the gas in his car and his one book which he has spent a small fortune on. He paid a little over what I paid for my books grand total on marketing alone, $1,050 on MARKETING. You know why? Because he doesn't have to worry about jack-shit. Shit, his editor does editing and formatting work for free (I tried to get in touch with her but she ignored me, considering the conflicts we had in the past during school), he does his own cover art (which is a bad photo shop job if you ask me), and only worries about marketing. Within two months of creating his page, he had just over a thousand followers, was selling quite a few books at $2.99 a POP! Yet, MINE were too expensive, the shit I dumped my heart and soul into? The worst thing about this? He started writing as a HOBBY because it was EASY! Now he's quit his great job and pursues writing full-time ON ONE BOOK. I have absolutely never seen or read anything like it before. Maybe I'm upset because he paid his way to the top? Not likely, I think I am upset because this individual use to harass the holy-shit out of me in high school and now he's living my dream? Petty? Like I said, yes it fucking is but I don't care.
The "Self-Published" Title
Despite what many articles say online, the "Self-published" title is the bottom line for all writers in our "community". I pursued this route to have full control on my work, but now it seems I'm labeled mediocre without the "professionals" even giving my work a once-over, simply because I am self-published. I suppose we live in a society where doing anything for yourself is strictly forbidden, as if the "pursuit" of happiness is now more of an escalator furthering your descent into the mundane, miserable existence of our modern world.
Conclusion
I am once again alone and forgotten, back to square one, as if I am releasing a book again for the first time, except this time might be my last. I didn't just title my upcoming book on a whim, I put more thought into that title than I have for any other book. "Born Again" is going to be my new, much more brutal approach to the horror genre and this is not just the title of my new book, it is the title for the new chapter in my life as an artist, and perhaps my last. I will make a book that establishes myself as the villain I was destined to be. The only fear I have is this: when I am born again, I might very-well be a still-birth.
I have to go to bed now, but I don't think I'll be able to sleep. I'm on the end of my rope with this market. It's caused more pain, debt, and rage in my life than anything ever before. It seems to become a place-- no an ocean-- overflowing with privilege, beauty, and toxicity (like the rest of the art world seems to be succumbing to). Just like this blog post will probably get a lot of shit (if ever seen) because authors aren't suppose to speak their minds anymore, apparently.
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