A Surge of Excitement, Followed by Wailing Depression

Hello all.

Me again.

I'll be honest, I've been really stressed out the past couple of days.

So, if you're not in the mood to be brought down or hear one of my repeating complaints, then skip today's post or read the flash fiction story I've posted after this.

I made a post the other day on all of my social media stating that I hate it when things do not happen or do the opposite and I begin losing progress. No, this is not progress that is happening in places that I cannot see. I can clearly see my lack of progress with a variety of tools at my disposal. That lack of progress is starting to drain me immensely.

I've been reading articles a lot lately, trying to get some kind of inspiration to start taking action but the articles just start stressing me out more and, somehow, make me think my work isn't good enough. This is, unfortunately, a common problem among many artists and I realize now that I have a thing called "creative depression", no that's not a legitimate medical diagnosis. I'm getting off topic here. Long story short, I'm very stressed out and I can't seem to find an answer as to why. A week ago I was super excited for each of my upcoming books, now I wonder if they'll even be worth my time to publish.

Which brings me to my next little rant.

Social Media

No matter how hard I feel I try, I cannot grow in any aspect of my life; in fact, the more I try, the more progress I lose, it seems. I don't fucking understand it (pardon my language, but "fucked" seems to be a good summary of my mental state).

Twitter. Remember how happy I was to have exceeded my Facebook page's follower count? I peaked at 231 followers on Twitter and the day after I posted my blog post, I kid you not, I plummeted down to 218 followers. At the time of writing this, I now have 215 followers. So, essentially, something that took me three months to accumulate vanished in two days time. People would follow me, wait until I followed them back (networking and all), and then just unfollow me. That is some pretty frustrating stuff.

Facebook. Is literally the same it has been for the past year, with brief moments where I LOSE likes, it never grows and always ends up breaking even. To be honest, this is probably my most loyal and active social media community and where most of you beautiful readers stem from.

YouTube. The moment I stop taking it seriously, it grows. The moment I start taking it seriously, I lose all progress I make. I do everything all these "how-to" articles and videos say to do and NOTHING works. I try to do something corny and funny, nothing, I try to make a serious video, nothing, I push my videos everywhere I can, still nothing. Again, for the eightieth time, I hate dedicating so much time and effort into something only for it to completely backfire.

Instagram. I just hate the whole platform and what it encourages and rewards. What more can I say?

My biggest disappointment this month was when Born Again was free for five days. I pushed it hardcore on Twitter and Instagram, considering most of my Facebook followers already had a copy of their own and accumulated a little over thirty downloads... the worst free promotion I have ever run. Like, it's free. People like the posts about the promotion, but can't be bothered to click a link? I know I might upset some people with complaining about nobody downloading my book, but I say again, if I wrote it strictly for myself, I would not publish it.

Reviews

There is also one thing that has plagued my writing life since I started and that is reviews. Amazon puts far too much emphasis on reviews. I appreciate everyone who has read and/or reviewed the books, I apologize if this rant seems to be directed at you; it's not. I understand that life can be crazy sometimes and not everyone can spare the time to give a review (especially given Amazon's picky review sorting system).

This rant is directed at the 111 review sites/blogs I gave my books to for free that claimed they would get back in touch with me a year and a half ago. Seriously, fuck you. If you hated the book, then say that. I just want something you know? Otherwise, why am I wasting my time and resources in giving my books to you? If it's because you don't have enough time, then tell me that, don't lie to me and make me feel like a fool.

I gave my books to a grand total of 113 websites/blogs and only two got back to me (which I greatly respect both of them for). Honestly, I stopped sending my books to reviewers because of the 111 websites giving me the run around. I get more reviews from strangers who stumble upon my books than from websites whose JOB is to review and connect with authors/artists/filmmakers/etc. Again, I would prefer to know that someone hated my book rather than just leave me in silence, wondering if I'll ever hear from them again.

Out of 113 websites/blogs I sent my books to, I had one get back in touch with me stating they were completely booked and wouldn't have time to read and review my novel until next year; I had another one actually read and review my first book and that site was gbhbl.com. Thank you, GBHBL again, and thank you even more so for the awesome review, and I'm very glad you enjoyed the book! (see the in depth, well woven review here: https://gbhbl.com/horror-book-review-never-forgive-me-never-forget-me-by-kyle-atwood/).

Conclusion

Sorry, but when I rant on here, it honestly makes me feel better, helps me hone my writing skills, helps me identify the feelings I'm having and eliminate them, and update my blog as well.

So, if you're one of my readers, know that this was not at all directed at you. I appreciate you so much, I wouldn't dare say a bad thing about you. I am more frustrated with people exploiting others and not growing in any aspect of my life.

Again, this post was not directed towards you, my dearest reader.

I guess I'm just an existential nihilist and I'm having a hard time accepting that.

That's all, guys.

As always,

stay rotten, everybody.

Frustrations and Other Thoughts

Hello all.

Me again.

I find myself complaining a lot lately, more commonly about the lack of time and the fact that there are only so many hours in the day. For instance, today is my day off and I have to get some writing done, clean my apartment, go to the bank, and record a video, all before my wife comes home (family always comes before work and we haven't spent much time together lately). So, I think today's blog post is going to have to be a brief one, on the count of having so much to do.

But, before we get into the post, Born Again is still free on Kindle until tomorrow night! So hurry up and get it downloaded before it goes back up to its full price! https://www.amazon.com/Born-Again-Kyle-Atwood-ebook/dp/B0719RNDMX/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1521484301&sr=8-2&keywords=kyle+atwood

Anyway, on with the rest of the post.

I already mentioned that time and I have not been getting along lately. It just seems that whenever I think I have time to catch up, I have to do something, whether it be going to work or going to the doctors or whatever have you, and that's fine, that's just how life is. What is not fine, is the fact that it still bothers me, despite me saying, "that's just how life is" and it sucks. Often times, while I'm at work, I'll keep repeating to myself that, "I'd rather be writing" and that is very true. The funny thing is, though, is that when I finally sit down to write, I get a great big case of writer's block and I end up sitting there for hours writing no more than a hundred or so words. That's life though.

My next frustration is marketing (it's only the eightieth time I've complained about it). Ironically enough, I've sold more books for Born Again last week when it was full priced, than I have when it has been free. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I wish the problem could be highlighted in blood red for me.

Frustration numero tres: I just feel like, the moment I start getting excited about something, be that YouTube or the articles I have been writing lately, I get no results from the work I put into them. Like, I don't want to record a video today because I know it will get no views and I'll probably even lose a subscriber, if I haven't already (and a subscriber for a channel with only twenty-four of them is like losing a thousand subscribers over night, it's bothersome). My articles generated more readers when I was writing them every couple of months, now I'm writing them every week or so, dedicate three days to writing each one and I wind up getting no more than ten views, I just feel wronged somehow. I'm insecure and all, boohoo, pity me and buy a book, eh? Just kidding, but I am insecure.

Frustration 4: I really want to own my domain name of my website and update it immensely, but I don't have enough money to do so. Day job doesn't pay me enough and I'm not generating nearly enough income from my books to afford that.

However, despite everything else moving like a slug, my blog has been generating more readers and that is FREAKING AWESOME! I went from having one or two people reading my posts, to ten, twenty, or thirty reading them and it makes me VERY HAPPY! Thank you guys.

Another fantastic side note is that my Twitter account has BLOWN up in the past month, surpassing my Facebook follower count (214 people) by hitting 220 followers, granted, about ten of them are probably lusty sex bots, but until they are banned from Twitter, I'M COUNTIN' 'EM!

You know, despite my frustrations, I'm actually rather happy. Don't know if I'm exactly optimistic about the future of my work, but at this exact moment, I feel excited for what I will be releasing starting with my poetry collection being released in a little under a month from now.

Anyway, be sure to download Born Again . It's free. What have you got to lose? Plus, it'll make me feel all warm and toasty inside.

Check out my latest article at:
https://hubpages.com/entertainment/The-Golden-Age-of-Slasher-Films

So, that's all for today's post, guys, I've gotta get started on cleaning (my apartment is a complete disaster and no that is not an over exaggeration, it is complete fact).

Stay rotten, everybody.

An Old Essay on Loneliness

Hello again, all. I know it has been ten days since I posted. To which I say, where does the time go? Frankly, I just didn't have anything to post and I really hate doing filler content for any of my projects. Anyway, I had plugged in a USB drive to back up all of my current work onto, and I noticed that it had a few old scribblings of mine. Mainly old essays from high school and I thought the one below was relevant because it was technically the first thing I ever wrote. If I'm not mistaken, this was from my freshman year and off of it, I started to think about poetry and from poetry to short stories, then from short stories to novels.

So, yeah, I figured it would be a nice piece of Kyle Atwood history, not that Kyle Atwood history is really relevant at this point, but as I'm sure you know, I enjoy looking back on my own work and I just find it interesting to see where I've come from in writing.

Loneliness: The Effect

A quote from the late Mother Teresa; “Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.” The dictionary defines loneliness as “the state of being alone in solitary isolation, being without companions.” A human being’s existence, starts as a lonely one and ends as a lonely one. In addition to that we are all alone in our thoughts no one truly understands or experiences the joy and the sorrow quite like ourselves, or in other words everyone feels the same thing but in a different way. One can try and express this disease like state through literature, music, talking or drawing but they never come across exactly the same way.

Loneliness is a universal problem. Throughout decades, and generation after generation loneliness is depicted in all forms of art. Poets describe feelings of isolation, lacking support, lacking a much needed friend or even feeling that no one around them understands them. So in essence, lonely individuals need friendships, friends who would take notice of them, understand and relate to their miserable situation. However, lonely individuals are unable to achieve their needed friendship due to past experiences of being harshly rejected and abused; whether it be mentally or physically. From this, the lonely individual comes to believe that everyone he or she confronts will treat them in a rejecting manner. As a self established defense mechanism, the individual shuts out the rest of the world blocking out all who try to help them or mainly who try to harm them.

One may argue that an individual remains lonely because they choose to be or to not open up and learn more about the people around them, that after learning of the true good nature of most people they‘ll break their depressed state. But , when an individual has been treated with such carelessness and foolishness they become afraid, so the simplicity of just opening up is a lot more difficult then perceived. Fear is a strong factor in fortifying one’s self established defense mechanism. Also if the lonely individual were so happened to speak with someone, it does not mean they will feel excepted; if anything they will grow much more worried about how that person portrays them.

Normally lonely individuals feel like a misfit, or someone who doesn’t fit in with the crowd. Often there are questions such as “why don’t they accept me?” or the most common of them “what did I ever do to deserve this?”. The feeling of wanting to be ‘normal’ rather than standing out and then being rejected for it; is a common depressor in a lonely person’s mind. Loneliness can establish a want; not only to be excepted but to be praised, looked up to or even admired which can develop a stronger sense of failure in an individual’s mind.
Loneliness is a state of feeling left out or cut off. It is an unforgettable and regrettable, necessity that of which each and every life must endure whether it be for minutes at a time or years. It is the worst of feelings. It is the central and inevitable fact for human existence.

Before We Go

I hope the essay wasn't too terrible, certainly not a college essay I know.

Below I've shared my most recent vlog. I decided to take a different approach with my YouTube channel and just kind of condense everything down into one video, I also decide to have a rant about popular YouTubers, which I'm sure I'll probably regret later on down the road.

So, that's all, guys. As always.... stay rotten, everybody.

Inspirations Behind "Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me"

Hello again, everybody! I've been meaning to make this blog post for awhile, but I haven't gotten around to it. Now that I am taking a bit of focus away from my YouTube channel, I have a little more time to start posting on here. Anyway, last week was Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me's two year anniversary. That may not seem like a major feat, but that marks two years that I have been a published author and, for me, that is a big deal. So, I want to talk about the inspirations behind Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me in honor of this anniversary.

My Own Feelings

Around the time that I had gotten the idea for my first book, I was in a very dark place. I talked about this a lot over the years and it cannot be more true. I was depressed and I was angry at the world for how it left me stranded and alone for so long, that's where Simon came to be. I had written so many different scenarios with Simon inside of it, usually involving a form of fucked up suicide and in a much shorter format, like a short story. Simon was my fictional medium for two years before my first book was published. Anyway, I decided that depression and suicide are not an instant thing, it usually involves a number of things before we finally hit that point... long enough to feel like eternity, but short enough to hit us from our blind spot... that doesn't make any sense, but basically it's what made the story into a novella rather than a short story or a novel. More on that later, however.

Anyway, I knew I needed help, but I didn't have any money and I felt like a therapist would look at me and pin my feelings on teen angst or something stupid like that. I also am firmly against taking medication until all other options are retired and, at the time, it had seemed that all professionals were quick to push medication on you. So, I started giving a face to my emotions in the form of a book. Here's something that a lot of people I have talked to about this didn't get: everything in the book is a a symbol for all things depression is associated with. Below I've made a list about a few of the items in the story and their meanings.

• The abandoned hospital: Not only was this inspired by my first venture into an abandoned building, but it was also a symbol of one's mental health when suffering through depression and suicidal thoughts. Broken down and falling apart and, as the feelings get worse, more warped and confusing, like the hospital when Simon wakes up.
• The Eyeless: Eyes have always meant a gateway to the soul. Well what if they have no eyes? Then they have no soul. This plays a pretty vital role in the creatures of the story.
• The Faceless: Similar to the eyeless, but these are all disfigured and bent in horrible fashion to fit a certain way. Sound familiar?
• The Guy in the Hospital: I'll admit, I never came up with a cool name for him because he appeared out of nowhere when I started writing the story. Where the Eyeless and Faceless were all planned out, he was not. He was the one with the cut up body and the opera mask chasing after Simon. A mask of happiness to shroud the disfigured soul.
• Long Arms: The monster from the first nightmare was meant to reflect the terror of uncertainty in Simon's head, as uncertainty plays a very major role in sadness.
• St. Mary's Church: An abandoned hospital meant to symbolize the corruption of faith, whether that be in religion or in one's self.
• Patricia: Oddly enough, I wrote this character in before I met my wife. Then I met my wife and, yes, her name is also Patricia. Anyway, Patricia is the symbol of the corruption of love and of the heart.
• Doctor Weddell: The world that claims they care, but wouldn't spare a second to kill you if it meant securing themselves.
• The Angels: I got a lot of questions about the three angels in the church and that's understandable. They were there to further push the corruption of faith and love, but also they were more of a personal symbol for myself. In my life, before I met my wife, I was madly in love with three people who didn't love me back, I always saw them as my angel to save me from myself, but they were just another corrupted piece of the world, hence their disfigured appearance in the novel. The Angels were also too stubborn to die, a personal symbol from when I tried to stop loving these individuals and a fictional symbol for Simon's shred of hope that forces him to press on, to keep living. So what do you do when you shut out that last little bit of hope, like Simon did in the confessional?
• Simon: He's a symbol for a lot of things, but I think the most notable one would be the symbol of depression and the individual plagued by depression. As I mentioned earlier, he was also a fictional medium for me.

I can't give anymore away, because that would spoil the story. Hey, if you've got any questions about anything else, message me on my Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/KyleAtwoodPublications/

Video Games

Yes, yes, I know. Video games are nothing but a means to waste time. But, for me, they are a work of art.

There was one review on the book that noticed some of my inspirations for the story and pretty much hit the nail right on the head.

• Silent Hill Series: Without a doubt, the biggest video game inspiration for me when I was writing Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me. If you are familiar with this series, you'll certainly see the similarities. Nightmare worlds, twisted symbolism, and a constant feeling of dread. This is, by far, my favorite game of all time. To be more specific, Silent Hill 2 was the one I found myself referencing a lot of the time. Fun fact: the book's title is also the title of an iconic song from the third game.
• Outlast: The sheer chaos and morbid imagery of this game were a major source of inspiration for Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me
• Afraid of Monsters: Actually a mod for Half-Life, it still had an amazing story revolving around a dark, abandoned hospital and pills. I got inspiration for a lot of nightmares in the book from this game.

Silent Hill was the main well that kept me inspired. I guess, not only in video games, but also in movies and music. Silent Hill was just such a center piece in what I wanted my story to be. I wish I could explain in detail more about how much this game franchise inspired me, but I'll have to make a post or a video dedicated to it on its own.

Books

This is a bit cliche, and the master himself (Stephen King) even said you need to read books to write books and read I did. A lot of stories I read, however, were more focused on their gore and shock than on the actual story, unfortunately, but it helped me take notes to describe certain violent scenes in Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me and almost made me market the book as an extreme horror. But, I decided, what is extreme horror? Saw? No, because Saw has a fantastic story. Think more like a movie where people just constantly die in the bloodiest, uncomfortable way possible and a rather garbage story to get to the killing, that is extreme horror, and I like to have story on top of extreme imagery. Anyway, on with the list!

• Matt Shaw Books: I'll admit, I ate this guy's work up like Smarties. Eventually, however, you get sick to the stomach. Not because his content was extreme, I could handle that, but because he was kind of an asshole. Normally, when someone labels an author as a source of inspiration, that author would be honored, but Matt Shaw instead says, "You're all copying me and are fucking stupid for doing so". I don't know, for somebody who claims to help upcoming authors, he sure does a lot of breaking down. Honestly, for me to enjoy someone's work, I have to find something that I like about the individual so I can support them. But when they act like an ass and make you feel terrible for writing your own book, it makes me not want to support them. Anyway, if you can look past this, his stuff is extreme and good and pretty original, but him as a person turned me off from buying anymore of his books unless they are free. I've talked to him on occasion too, asking for advice and such, and I just felt like I was being talked down to.
• Tim Miller Books: Tim Miller literally writes horror movies in book form. I love it. Everything he does is a "Movie Type" book and that is no problem at all. He writes extreme horror, but he is amazing at creating uncomfortable scenes and good at creating protagonists that you can relate to... and then brutally murdering them. However, like any good horror movie, it has its problems at well. Tim Miller occasionally has some problems with consistency, but I can easily look past them because his books are just a fun ride. I've talked to him as well on occasion and he is an awesome guy too. Wouldn't mind having a beer with him. Anyway, his books gave me a reference for pacing in Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me and they still do with all of my current works.
• Clive Barker books: He makes horror in a beautiful way. He is my main source of inspiration for not only my first book, but also every book that follows. I already wrote about him in a previous blog post, read that if you want some more insight.
• Penetrailia by Jordan Krall: It just dawned on me that this is my first actual book on this list. Oh well. Anyway, Jordan Krall is a great writer, but his book Penetrailia was a major reference for imagery. Some really warped stuff that has significance to the characters.
• 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher: Yes, the book was better than the show... the show was still amazing. Anyway, this book was used as inspiration for both Simon and Patricia, doused with a little bit of personal experience to create the tension of the two.

Unfortunately, I was reading a lot of the same stuff while I was writing Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me. As a result, as mentioned earlier, I began to adopt a writing style of each of these authors blended into one. You would see an extreme scene one minute, and a heart breaking one the next. Of course, I threw my blend in there and produced my first book.

Music

There was this website called Grooveshark. It was a playlist website that had no ads and had almost every song imaginable. They got shutdown due to some rights issues, unfortunately. Anyway, I had a playlist dedicated to each portion of the book. Meaning there was a playlist for conflicts, resolutions, build ups, you name it, it was probably a playlist. There was a lot of individual songs so I'll just name some artists and albums to get us through the list.

• Ghosts I-IV - Nine Inch Nails: It's my favorite band. They've got a song for everything. Specifically though, the Ghosts I-IV album was the album with the most songs revolving around my first book. A lot of the music I listened to, in fact, was instrumental.
• Silent Hill Soundtracks: See Video Games list
• Marilyn Manson: Anger and poetry make for a pretty great combination. Manson has this way of making me feel powerful while I was powerless, and Simon had many moments in which he was very capable in situations that would, usually, render one powerless.
• Tormented - Staind: An album about hating life. What more can I say?
• The Downward Spiral - Nine Inch Nails: Another pretty self-explanatory one.
• Sinister Soundtrack: The movie was decent, but what really stood out to me and gave me the heebie-jeebies was the soundtrack. The song BBQ '79 is still one of the most haunting tunes I have ever heard. If I were to die and linger in purgatory, this is the song that would probably be playing for eternity. Really good for helping me set the mood of loneliness.
• Gazelle Twin: I have so much love for her and her talent. Her music is one of a kind and very ominously beautiful. She inspires a number of works for me.

Without a doubt, music could easily go hand and hand with my writing. I was always listening to music. I mean, I still do, but it isn't as much of an inspiration for me as it was for my first book.

Movies

Believe it or not, I didn't have too many movies to inspire me at this time. I didn't become a MASSIVE movie buff until last year. I mean, I was always a big movie fan, but now I watch movies like I listen to music.... all.... the.... time. Anyway, I was more focused on the ability of words than the ability of visuals (considering it was a book). Now, I can honestly say, movies are a very high contender for inspiration when writing my books.

• Eraserhead: I can't really explain this movie, but I can try. Henry Spencer (the main character) is a tamed version of Simon if Simon were an adult. He's unhappy with life and weird stuff starts happening to him. Easily, David Lynch is one of my most influential directors of all time and it is apparent with this film.
• Silent Hill: See Music list.
• Insidious: A movie where nowhere is safe, kind of like the city Simon lives in.

Conclusion

So, all in all, my two biggest forms of inspiration for my first book were my own feelings (cliche, I know) and video games (considering I've been an avid gamer since I was a kid). I know, I know, books should be one of my top two inspirations, considering I am an author and all, but around this time they just were not. I had almost no time to read, between writing, working, and figuring out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life as a career. I eventually had to move out of my mom's house too and that was chaos as well and also played a pretty vital role in why I had taken so long to release this book; but I found time to read where I could and, don't get me wrong, reading is easily one of my top three favorite forms of art and entertainment, but, again, at this time, I just didn't have the time.

I want to also post a video on YouTube about my first book, but I might just wait until it turns three next year and then make an even better video dedicated to its "legacy".

Happy birthday to my oldest child, Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me sorry it was late this year!

Stay rotten, everybody.

The Brook Horse Sneak Peek

Healing

They lay me down

In a field of daisies

And ask me to sleep.

They open my chest,

They pull out my heart,

My stomach, lungs, kidneys, and more

And hang them on a wire

To heal in the sun,

But the crows have come

And are eating away.

-2018-

Yes, The Brook Horse is indeed a poetry collection.

In the past, I have talked about writing poetry again and again. It is, after all, how I
started my journey.

There will be poems ranging from the year 2012, to current day.

The collection will range from free verse narratives to more traditional, emotion driven
poems.

Not only will this collection be another release, but also a look back at the evolution of
myself as a writer.

A Bit More Backstory

From the years 2010-2013 I wanted to be a musician. My passion started out driven by hard rock/metal groups such as Staind, Nine Inch Nails, Linkin Park, Metallica, Alice Cooper, etc. I eventually calmed down and became heavily inspired by Johnny Cash, Iron and Wine, and numerous other indie/acoustic groups. So you'll see a few of those songs that I have written strictly from the later years, in this collection as well. Ironically enough, the self-titled poem The Brook Horse, that will be in this collection, started out as a song that I tried to write two years ago (it turned into a poem, of course).

Anyway, anyone who has known me personally for the past six years knows that I was extremely passionate about my music. Well, I wasn't anymore. I had way too many major disappointments and music became a punishment to myself, wasting time on building so many things only to break them down moments later. Music also ruined many relationships for me and even began to twist my mind, a narcissistic twisting motion that inflated my ego and kept me from pursuing my future. As I said, music became a punishment.

That's when I wrote my first poem and then another, and another, then... many... MANY poems later, I wrote my first short story, then another, and then I wrote my first book, Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me.

Don't get me wrong, I still absolutely love music it is one of my most favorite forms of art, but as a musician, I was just in a bad place.

The First Poem I Wrote

The first poem I ever wrote has been lost to time, unfortunately, but the earliest poem I do still have was not at all a full length poem. It was a tanka and, for those of you who don't know, a tanka is an ancient Japanese style of poetry that consists of five lines in a syllable pattern of 5-7-5-7-7. It is basically a longer version of a haiku (three lines in 5-7-5). This is still my favorite form of poetry, I have a thing with short and sweet and both tanka and haiku provide me with such a thing and I always feel extremely relieved and satisfied when finishing one of these poems. In fact, you'll see quite a bit of those in The Brook Horse. Anyway, I'm feeling gracious today and I'll give you guys another sneak peek at one of the tankas that will be in the collection. Again, this is the oldest poem I have written that I have managed to keep for six years.

This Curse

This anathema,

Pertinacious to ruin

The vestige of me.

I am not venerable,

I am obstreperous here.

-2012-

I'll admit, while I was writing this, I had this study packet for a Nathaniel Hawthorne book we were reading called The House of the Seven Gables and, as per usual with books from the 1800's, there was some words that sounded pretty but I had no idea what they meant. So I wanted to make a poem with the old way of speaking, I was blending antique English language with ancient Japanese style in hopes of making the poem sound more profound. It worked and it sparked my first dozen fans and I figured, "Hey, I'm pretty good at this and it made me feel good! I should start doing this more!".

Another confession, I had forgotten what most of these words meant and I had to Google them again to make sure this poem made enough sense, to not only publish, but also share on my blog.

Another quick note: I just love how the physical appearance of the poem presents itself when finished. Dumb, fun fact.

My Goal for the Collection

My goal is to have over 140 poems inside of this collection, some new and freshly written, others from the vault known as my memory box (and believe me, I have written more than 200 poems in my life, just never published them). Hell, as I write this blog post I'm even considering changing the name of the collection, but as of right now, I think The Brook Horse is a very fitting name, and that will become apparent as we grow closer to its release, and crystal clear when it is released. I'm also using this release as a way to, basically, re-brand and experiment with other mediums to pair alongside the release, more towards my YouTube channel.

As a bonus, I'll share one of my songs I wrote in 2010 (no it is not going into the collection, it's horrible).

Sadness the Addiction

Sadness is a sick addiction 

and loneliness is the needle 

I choose to stick into my veins.

Yeah,

Fill me up

Off we go

Time to die

Never was so bold.

Sadness the addiction

A dumbass little bitch

Sadness the addiction

I hope it'll make me rich.

Collapse my veins,

Collapse my heart,

And collapse my life.

Yeah,

Fill me up

Off we go

Time to die

Never was so bold

Sadness the addiction

A dumbass little bitch

Sadness the addiction

I hope it'll make me rich.

Conclusion

So I hope you guys enjoyed the poems and be on the lookout for more news regarding The Brook Horse. I am aiming to release the collection in two months, but that is not set in stone. AT THE VERY LATEST it will be four months from now. More on that later.

So, take care guys, and, as always, stay rotten, everybody.

My Grim New Teaser!

I am happy to announce my upcoming release The Brook Horse. While this project is worked around and as we grow closer to its release, I will be releasing more teasers.

It took four hours to shoot this extremely short teaser and, man, was it messy. I spent at least two of those hours just cleaning up after myself. Luckily, fake blood is easy to clean up.

Anyway, give it a watch guys! I'll have more info on this as we get closer to its release, just know that I am cooking up something special for you guys.

We're Back

Last week was a stressful week. I had to pick between putting work towards my next release or writing a blog post and, unfortunately, I had to go with putting work towards my next release. It is now 2 AM and I'm back. Tomorrow (or today, if you will) I will be releasing a trailer for my next full length release. I'm really excited and I hope it reaches a broad audience.

Anyway, I'm really tired and I need to go to sleep for the busy day tomorrow. Posting again tomorrow night (hopefully before midnight).